From centre to the circumference

Just when I was going deeper into my inner search, deeper  into spirituality - my world is shaken. Post marriage, things have changed. To put it in simple words, my inner journey has taken a setback and I am more into the so called "worldly" life. At first, it distubed me a lot. After all, I was a sadhak and found myself imposed by sansara !

In fact I've not been so sansari in many years that went. It sucks. I feel disturbed, unrest ! I blame it on people, on marriage ! Nowadays I am in super activitiy mode, and inactivity of calmness is long gone.

But I also get the glimpse of "truth". The truth is , I was never a sanyasi in first place, I was at best a very weak sadhak. I was actually a sansari. I was interested in sansara and due to my intellectual understanding running away from it and seeking inner abodes.

God gifts you with what you need most ! I needed Sansara. Cause if I was really a Sadhak , I wound't have succumbed to sansara in first place. I was always interested in sansara, so god gifted me the same. God has  put me at circumference for sometime more so that I can really get the feel of rotation and then get more resolve in my journey to the centre. This was a way of nature of reducing my rajasi tendensies, so that I can become more satvik.

Inspite of this understanding, I feel disturbed and in unrest. I think this is part of this phase. Good thing is I am enjoying this too. I know for sure that this phase has come into my life, only because I can deal with next phase in more sensible and matured way. I know this bad is for good, this sansara is for sanyas , this hyper activity is for meditation.

The State of Man

 As I walk around the city amongst people walking busily and hurriedly in the market, I feel strange. I almost feel like NEO of Matrix for whom the entire world looks disconnected and the entire world looks at him as disconnected.

Who are we and where are we coming from ? Where are we headed ? Why are we on this planet in this place and time ! How can we be so deeply immersed in illusions that we ourselves created ! Is it under the plan of nature to induce forgetfulness into human beings and hide the reality ?

It's very funny and at the same time, I can't control my tears ! This is a strange emotion. One can really feel it inside that what is ...ain't real ! But in absence of knowledge of what's real....one keeps going back to same unreal systems of world....

Why have we created a world like this ? I wonder....why we couldn't create systems that are good for all human and planet  ? Why almost every single system designed by us has a negative impact on human beings and nature ! ? I can't comprehend !

Some answers pop up...like man is greedy and selfish....but you can create systems where you can be happy and satisfied without harming others...there have been such systems in past and some exists even today...

In middle of this state of man...I find myself lost....and clueless...
The moment I want to pursue my deeper inquiries further...I am often bogged down or rather I get myself bogged down by responsibilities and burdens of mundane life - family, money and work !

In absence of some inspirations around me....it becomes very difficult to pursue the journey for truth especially when the journey is pathless and totally uncertain...

What's the way to live on earth then ? ....is one question that keeps coming back....
A lots being said and done by all kinds of people, saints, scientists, philosophers....but I remains confused as ever..

The only hope is ...that tiny feeling that lives in my heart...that tells me ....Ah ! that allows me to take deep breaths at the sunset....that allows me to smile broad when I look at birds and stars....that allows me to move into next day with more energy and resolve to look for clarity.

I feel lonely...

I wonder how can one feel lonely inspite of being surrounded by people. I do. I feel extremely lonely in my journey right now. It's a strange feeling. People are around me but because they do not understand what I am doing or who I am, it really doesn't matter if they are around or not. Imagine you are surrounded by 100s of people who consider you someone else who you are not. They are mistaking you to be someone else and relate and engage with you thinking you to be that someone else ! You talk to them, laugh and spend hours but you will end up feeling extremely lonely. For the one who you really are is still looking for someone to talk to, relate to.

Sometimes I feel I've myself invited so many challenges in my life. I have put myself alone in middle of jungle and I've got no skills to live there ! It's like I am learning everything again and all that I know is of absolutely no use. The journey in itself is fun as long as I can keep "speed" out of it. But the pressure to earn money, get farm into it's standing, prove yourself keeps coming back once in a while and I succumb to it. Everything falls apart in a minute and all the strength that I've gathered over so many years withers away...

It requires many silent walks into the woods, hours of looking at the blue sky and stars, days of company of nature that I am able to get back my vigor and confidence.

Fuh ! I've done all this to fulfill some vague vision I hold inside and the only thing I keep reminding myself is not to loose that vision. I keep getting myself back to it. It does get very hazy at times but thanks to existence it has never left me completely.  Oh ! there ...I can see it again.....

A new phase - Chaos

Chaos is back into life and it's Shubh ! Post marriage my life line (which has a split at the end - which according to palmistry means that the person lives a dual life) came into action. I almost have two different lives now. One at the farm and other at Bhopal. One is very much mainstream while other is very much alternative. It's fun ! It's stressful at times.

As number of dependent variables increase in your equation of life, the solution becomes trickier if you wanna get everything right. With Priyamvada, a totally different life meeting my life and my parents whom I've difficult explaining my moves to village and farming - I have increased conflicts and frictions. However as usual there are brighter sides, life is definitely more complete and more fulfilling.

Nothings comes easy so I am hanging on trying to find my happiness in these different times. Things are surely going to smooth-en. Right now, a lot of things are on shoulder at the farm too. Hardly any support.But I only look forward to the days when the farm will slowly become self sustainable and trees will be on their own.

Internally, mind is not calm, not serene but the moment I enter the farm and feel the fresh gentle breeze on my face - Wow ! Who wants to go anywhere else ? 

Marriage and The Question of Money

Well....I am married ! Phew ...never thought this would happen...especially the way it should. But it did. Thank god life surprises you and makes all your plans wash away. Afterall, if there is an existential plan...do I need another one for me personally ?

It's funny...whether to believe in power of destiny or just assume it to be a series of coincidences. Either way, it's fun ! I am enjoying this ride. Life is always new and full of newer joys.

I am loving this roller coaster ride. My only concern is not to waste this lovely opportunity and do what I should do and am here to do. So far so good. I am in good place to leap further. Stars are with me, I must make use of it.

The only question amongst all the loveliness that comes to my mind these days is money ! I've not earned a penny in last year, have lived off money of other people - my father, my friends and relatives. Though I've limited my needs but still I am not earning - makes me think at times. Then I wonder, do I need to think so much about money ? What's so big deal about your money or other's as long as you are getting money ! ? Do we care about using other's beliefs and world views ? Money is comparatively less important.

I know I should be earning and sooner I will but this question has taken undue importance, that's all I am sharing. We consider financial self sufficiency to be prime. It is important but not prime. I can earn money right now but it'd make me do things that I don't want to do like harming, exploiting people or becoming part of mainstream that is harming the world. Frankly, we have not many ideas to make money without voilence. It's difficult to say the least.

With marriage , money takes more importance but I am trying to re-focus on natural lifestyle and building a trusting relationship with my wife - Priyamvada. I am excited about our journey together but nervous too. In a world where your most dear friend doesn't get your point, I wonder what can I expect from a complete new person in my life that you hardly know. But the vibes that I get from her are very positive and I am very hopeful that we both are going to be great together.

The faith in my heart as always is the only driving force to keep moving. I wonder if I am wrong, wasting my life away as many claim. I wonder if I'll ever achieve something that I'll feel worthy of...I wonder where am I heading. But I am happy, enjoying this journey. Just hoping that the river takes me to right places on it's own as I try to float. 

The biggest U Turn in Life

Can I believe what's happenings ? I am prolly getting married. To add more to it , I am getting arranged married. And it all seems fine.

I think this is a huge shift in my life. I had never imagined to get married and arranged marriage was primitive and total no for me ! But here I am ...doing it ! Why ? How ? Can't explain. But to keep it simple, I think that's what universe finds best for me. I am happy with the way things are flowing.

I think the driver of this decision , or any decision in my life is now my spiritual quest. My search for myself and for truth. Marriage came into picture out of it. I never wanted to get married but I realized that a feminine energy is must. Journey and life is incomplete without it. I practiced Celibacy for a year just to see what it means living without a woman. It was lovely, I did not feel alone. I was infact happy. But something was incomplete. So, i decided that a woman will make things complete in my world, at madmans farm and in my life. It was driven by this strong feeling, supported ofcourse by my sexual instincts. Surprisingly, sexual instincts were a very tiny part of it. I thought it's the driving force for any man-woman relationship. But I am happy that universe has allowed me to grow and look at deeper sides of this dual nature of existence.

Why Arrange ? First, I found it really funny to go out and find a gal, fall in love and then convince her for marriage. I've done it, things really din worked out till end. Especially now, when I am living in Jungle, finding a lover is quite difficult.

But more important than that, much more important is this growing faith in me. My faith has deepened immensely in universe and natural flow of life. My faith has grown infinataley in womanhood. There is not a single woman in my life who I can hate or even dislike. To me womanhood itself is celebration. It really doesn't matter who I marry. Every woman is part of womanhood and to me that's all matters. Differences and issues will be there ...they are only natural.

I am excited. I am happy for this new phase in my life. I am enjoying it all. My gratitude for universe and existence is only deepening. I feel blessed and inexpressibly fortunate.

Facing the Reality

It's new year now ! New flowers are blooming at Sadhna Path and things are slowly gaining momentum. I am now facing reality closer. So far..the idea of alternative living or pursuing a spiritually driven social life was a lovely thought ! Here I am ....doing it and frankly its not what I imagined it to be.

I imagined it to be a cake walk, with lot of people looking upto me, with good support....media coverage and what not ! What it is ...is quite different...loneliness....unpredicatable challenges...dearth of support and encouragement ! Ofcourse....It has Joy in its share too....but the story needs rebooting !

What I imagined was simply an idea....now is reality. I imagined living in woods close to a mountain as  heaven....it is not ...it can be ...but my sensitivity is same as old...so how can it be ?

But I am glad that now I am more real and whatever I am doing is now rooted in reality not in some thoughts. Now I realize what they meant that path less travelled is not all glamor and rosy !

My meditation is certainly deepening....my joys are definitely growing deeper. All the so called challenges in front of me are also perhaps an opportunity to capitalize.

I must work on my awareness and sensitivity, face the reality of being alone...accept it gracefully. I must learn not to blame people who left me alone but be grateful for their support in spirit. I must grow in compassion and love. I must find love. I must find reality. Things are on my side. Things are also against me. I must chose which way I should support more ! :-)

Just to live on my own condition and to be able to do all the crazy things I want to do...is ecstatic. Thanks God thanks...my parents and a lot many friends...who made it possible ! Heads ahead...whats next ! A deep breathe.