Tough times

Hasn't been long that you saw me broken, sad , tense ? Oh yes, pretty long. I don't even remember when was I so dejected last time. Perhaps, my sudden unexpected break up in a relationship in 2010 !? Relationships (love and family both) have got my eyes wet every now and then but if I remove this category - it must be more than a decade that I've felt so low.

The truth of the moment is - I am quite lost and low right now. This phase of life seems to be colored gloomy. Why ? It  all began when I saw my crops failing in front of my eyes. I am sure there is more to it but this was a sure trigger.

This year, all the crops are either under heavy attack of pests or have not grown well due to my mistakes and unfavourable weather. My farm has become a laughing stock for all. People come and see tuar dal with not even one good pod and laugh it out. My sowing failed due to my lack of understanding on how to sow. Then, I wanted to save water and did not irrigate the fields to flooding -this further led to non-spouting and drying of seedlings leading to empty patches in the fields. Add to it high temperature of December and no-rains - I could have only saved myself if I had been a guru of farming.

I am not so sad just because my crops are failing and I don't have a penny in my pocket. I am sad because it's now raising a question mark on my face - whether I can really do farming ? If yes - how ? If no, then what now ?

Then there are people who have all kinds of suggestions and advices for me. It is reducing my confidence and shaking my foundation.

Add to it, my weaker Sadhna and grounding in Dharma right now - I have no poles to catch on to - no boats to hop into - in midst of this whirlpool.

Did I make a mistake ? How am I going to sustain myself ? How am I going to pay for negative message that I am sending by doing failed organic farming ?

As I am, I like to bounce back instead of giving into hopelessness but the work here is overwhelming. I need to get old tractor repair, take care of diesel pump, get house ready, do sowing, carry out irrigation on large scale, take care of trees I planted, make sure cows are healthy and happy, cook, clean,  plan, take care of family here and in Bhopal, carry out regular responsibilities, study, learn, do justice to many other initiatives that I've taken....Boy - list is endless and I've only two hands and no solid support here.

This phase has exposed me to my weaknesses. I can't say what I feel. I can't manage things well. I am a bad planner and executer. I am not far sighted. I can't manage people well. I allow myself to be exploited and fall into self-pity. I am confused, pretending to be clear. I've two faces. I enjoy my phony outward image. I am not a sincere seeker of truth. I am lazy and enjoy the lifestyle of ignorance and denial.

These are difficult times, I know. This time will make up that chapter of my autobiography which tells the failure before the successes. I know that each story , each individual, each initiative faces this phase.  And in long run - it'll all be for a very good cause.

But the bottomline of this moment is - I am sad, dejected, frustrated, confused , lost , low ....aggghhhh! dunno what all....can I run away ? Pleaseeeeee....

A rule of life

I think I have stumbled upon an understanding, a profound norm of life.
" If you walk on the road that nature has made for you, you will always be successful , always be happy"

The corollary of above will be that any sadness, any blocks, any failure encountered in life is only a result of us wanting to be something else than what we are supposed to be.
Infact, it is very compassionate on part of nature to pose challenges in front of us so that we don't become someone "not we".

If nature wants you to play a certain role in life, which is part of greater design of nature..it'll create a conducive environment if you travel in that direction and a hostile environment if you go towards other directions.

It's like someone is blindfolded and made to stand on a cliff where every road but one leads to death. Only one leads to way out of that small disc. When that blindfolded person starts walking his friends try to stop him if he goes towards wrong path. The person in blindfold feels upset about not becoming successful or gets frustrated with various challenges. However it is for his own good.

Similar is life, when we feel that situations are against us - it is for our good. Either life has a lesson to offer that we must learn or it's a direction we mustn't go.

I feel blessed that I couldn't clear CAT and get into a top notch job. I feel blessed that I didn't get quick promotions in my job and instant fame during my social work. For it was nature's way to bring me where I am today. Perhaps, things would have been different if anyone of above things happened. I felt upset at that time but now I value them.

At the same time, there were few things which fell in place almost magically. I had no clue how it was happening, certainly it was the right direction that life wanted me to take.

Ofcourse, there is an assumption here that "Life" , or "Nature's Intelligence" has a plan for each one of us. May be it's all coincidence. May be it's really nature's intelligence and everything and everyone's life is planned. I don't know truth at this moment. But for sure, it doesn't look mere coincidence, there are hardly any in nature. 

Is not doing anything the best thing to do ?

A question has been in me for long. What do I do ? I do so many things anyway and I know I am capable of doing much more. So, Shall I go ahead and open a school, or a college ? How about a Gaushala ? What about a learning centre ? May be a processing unit for Organic grains ?

Woooh! There are so many things I can do and each one of these have their own strong reason for me to do it. They all look like "need of hour" and " noble work". They look like socially positive action and a constructive intervention into the today's troubled world.

Then there is other side....that says, no ! All doing is eventually going to create mess. Don't do anything. Let this be your gift that you did not mess up things further !

Is that coming from my laziness or fear of doing great things ?

Wise men have told in past the best way to help others is to really help yourself, Ramana Maharishi said, "Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world." !

It sounds perfect too because only complete picture and realization of absolute truth can guide you to "action" that will really help humanity. Otherwise, we are only doing our bit , to screw up the world further. Any action without larger picture will appear wrong once we have the large picture.

So, Shall I act according to my small picture ? Or shall I wait for larger picture ? What if I never get to see the larger picture in this lifetime ? Am I then simply suppose to wait and watch ?
Shouldn't I be doing things ? Shouldn't I be starting revolutions I am capable of ?

It's funny, disturbing and deeply satisfying all at the sametime to face this confusion. The answer is far...but from my limited intuition, I see many chaotic high energy clouds of actions close to my eyes, along with tiny glimpses of blue sky of total rest and non-doing.

Once a Hindu, Again a Hindu

I remember long long time ago...when I was around 10 I was a fervent Hindu. I would do pujas, yajnas, visit temples, do fasting, wear lockets and bow down with horn while  driving at every temple that I crossed.

Then came Reiki into my life and my Reiki Guru was the first one to shake my blind hindu beliefs. I was super impressed and shaken ! He talked about the unconscious , the conditioning of mind , the fear of religion !

I was all sold ! I thanked stars for waking me up and I became an ardent Reiki practitioner and earned several degrees of training.

It was only later that I shared my revelation with my cousin with lot of excitements. I was hoping he'd be super impressed and immediately join the Reiki Course. Instead, he listened to me and told me that whosoever is your Reiki Guru is actually repeating word-to-word commentaries of another Guru - Osho ! I thought this is ridiculous Guru fight. He is simply wanting to show superiority of his Guru.


Anyway - I decided to give it a listen. Unfortunately, the first discourse that I got of Osho had a strong critique of Mahatma Gandhi. I was super pissed off ! I said - who is this idiot -Osho ! How can he talk about father of Nation in such demeaning terms. I became anti-Osho and started spreading similar sentiments.

While my Hindu customs continued but they were certainly fading away in vigor. Few months later a friend of my understood my obsession with Hinduism and thus gifted me Osho's commentary on Geeta. Now suddenly, Osho became a friend. He was praising Hinduism , Geeta and it's grandeur. Hmm...this man talks some sense at least, I said to myself. I didn't know that it was a bait of Osho. His discourses of Geeta were more of Anti-Geeta in a very strategic way to suit to Hindu ear. Osho wanted people to get free of religious burden and has used various strategy to achieve this, using religion's bottle to sell his own wine was one of his key strategy.

Anyway, the point is I was now no more a Hindu. Most of my beliefs were anyway based on non-rational assumptions. Given the background of Science education, exposure to readings of people like Osho, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Bertrand Russel - I very soon became a non-hindu. All my rituals and worships stopped. Visiting temple was more of a touristic activity than religious. I was considering myself mordern - for now I no longer do the funny things that Hindus do.

The story didn't end there. As I grew in maturity, it all started coming back. As I read more of Osho, JK and similar anti-religion commentaries , more I could see deeper meanings of their words , which were very much in sync with Hinduism. I decided to get first hand Hindu experience and started reading original Geeta, Veda excerpts and similar texts.

It was grace of God that I again became a Hindu. I now practice puja, yajna, worship, festivals, fasts and temple visits. However now it's with a deeper understanding and feeling. The faith is more real, no longer blind. While being a Hindu, I am not anti-(other beliefs). I have learnt that all religion are simply talking about the same thing. Even all Gurus are talking the same thing. No-one is anti-anything. They all simply want Human beings to live religiously not simply be hypnotized by it and become fanatics.

If a Hindu lives like an authentic Hindu as per scriptures he won't be very different from a Muslim living as per Quran, or an Osho-lover living as per Osho's vision !

Hari Om Tat Sat !

Kabir Aap Thagaiyye...

It's a very strange feeling, to be cheated times and again. It is a test of trust. Times and again. Here at the farm, we are looked upon as city creature with wealth - one who are to be exploited as much as one can. Sadly, the experience has been quite disappointing. Everytime I've trusted people, I've been betrayed. I keep trusting , I keep geting betrayed. I wonder if this is only to test my trust.

A lot of times,  people suggest me and I also wonder if I should stop trusting and become doubtful of the intentions of "others". (Become "smart" cunning ! ) But I think it's not the way....I keep reminding myself of the Kabir Doha -
Kabir Aap Thagaiye, Aur na Thagiye koi...aap thage dukh upaje , aur thage sukh hoye...!
(You don't cheat, rather get cheated....for sadness comes when you cheat, happiness emerges when you get cheated)

Or is it that I am actually a fool , naive person ...incapable of handling practicalities and that's why taking abode in all these philosophies !

Time...shall Unfold....  :-) !

Till then...Yo Kabira... ;-) ! 

Half Time !

Life is moving on...If I am lucky, I must have

crossed the half line of my life.

What have I gained ? What have I lost ? What have I

done !

It's a very strange mix of feelings when I look back

on all that has happened.

Fuh ! Can't explain...how it feels. Surely it feels

good, feels huge, feels tiny, feels sad, feels

happy....frankly...I dunno what is this feeling..

I think I've lived a life of my choice...have taken

risks, travelled places,

experimented...explored...adventured..

The journey is definately being very worthy...the

emptiness inside keeps growing though...

the feeling that m exhausting myself up with each

passing day brings nervousness, pressure, josh and

excitement all at the same time !

I have this gut feeling that I am at a crucial cross

road...moves that I make ...choices that I

take...will define the end of my story ....!

My understanding has grown....grown so much that I

know now that perhaps I understanding nothing !

Sometimes I wonder...wouldn't it have been better that I chased a dream of becoming a CEO...or a World Traveller...or a Film Maker...

What made me calm down...and walk so silently...

The urge to make noise and shout is still there and it does pop up from time to time ...but somewhere I know...silence is better...non-doing is better...do I really Know !

I wonder if I confuse the reader equally as myself ! I wish I could pour down these feelings and become the blue sky empty !


The shashi that once used to be is perhaps changed so much that it feels that he was a novel that I read ...engrossed in it !

Life has been supportive...in every field...from search of place, master to search of destiny....
I so wish to know what's the game behind all the scenes...I so wish to understand the mysteries...

To be alone ...in middle of crowd...is a strange feeling...

When I look at the stars at night....entire life ..everything in this world...simply appears to be absurd ...imagination..
One feeling ....remains...Gratefulness...Wonder....!

What a life ....I am so superly excited about my next half....!

guiding star has disappeared...but see there is always the sun at the door ! :-)

Love,