And !

And life brings and !

Frankly, I've been quite bad with finances ever since! No wonder I struggle with it even today. My farm is not paying me enough for all of my expenses and I am in no hurry for it. I know, things will take time, I need to learn farming , understand nature, adapt to it. Nature is taking it's own recourse. In midst of all this , I know I must wait for my farm to pay me.

However, that's not how everyone looks at it. People have given extraordinary importance to money and thus - all my efforts often just turn useless if I say, I am still not able to get all my funds from my farming activities.

Anyway, this money matter has been haunting me for quite sometime now and I've finally decided to deal with it. Initially , I thought that taking money from my parents, my rich friends - should be fine till my farm takes shape. However, social status of "self-sufficiency" in money matter is HUGE !

So, inspite of me and my larger plans - I have to find a way. May be a job ? may be some consultancy ? May be some paid events ? Well, I preferred to zero in on "Learning Android ! " , I like coding and I see future of Mobile programming. IT's one thing  that can be done right from the farm ! So, the hope is to gain expertise in this and then may be get some projects/ideas that can both pay me enough and help solve some real-time problems.

It's funny though - to sit with laptop with Vidhya in your backdrop but that's also an interesting pic ! For it entails both the nature and the technology ! Both the hero and the villain - if we wanna look in B&W. 

Excellence and Faith

Two thoughts are hovering my mind at this moment in midst of all the confusion....one is excellence...I do not have excellence in life. I am average in a dozen things but really good in none ! Perhaps ..really striving for excellence in life is key to satisfaction and maturity. It can be anything...but I must try and excel in it...

On the other hand...i feel excellence can be a roadblock in growth for it will keep you bounded to one knot.

Secondly, in midst of all confusion ...somewhere I feel that I must retort to spiritual path for all solution. Faith is the key...but my scientific mind has got me so cynical and sceptic. It's hard to trust god now !

I wonder if get it  ? 

and the U turn again ?

Recently, I had a spat with my mom - yeah...a very very rare incident. That too only because she touched the most sensitive chord in me - my farm life.

She still cannot understand totally -why should one quit job and take up farming in some remote village ? Why should one leave the comforts of city and live in discomforts and dangers of wild ? Why should one do farming, toil in sun,get dirty in mud - when you can simply work on keyboard and earn lots !?

Perhaps, rightly so ! My decision does defies normal logic and thinking which is why I have more critics than supporters.

But it's been more than 3 years that I've been living at farm and doing whatever little farming I can, still I have to answer the same questions.

So- that day I just lost it and shouted back on mom. It made me cry. It made me so sad - the whole discussion and incident. I don't think I've been so stressed, upset in years.

I know, I can't blame my mom for her stand. It's I - who is doing strange things, how can I blame world for considering me "mad" ? I can't be making her sad, making myself sad.

They are upset about me quitting a good job and doing farming.
That too a farming that's not immediately earn millions !
Live in village that's far remote and full of wilderness.


I must find a solution to the situation.

Is that solution - a U-turn ? meaning..I go back to job or city life ? which will make me one amongst  all - and thus reduce my constant conflict with my family and society at large.

It would mean compromising on some of the principles that I started walking on - but then it does have it's own merits.

What matters most - perhaps, is that "I" and "people around me" are happy and not involved in constant conflict or debates over the same topics for years.

Anyway...I know that's not the only solution -there could be many more ways to handle this situation...so I'll keep working on them but yeah...i am also looking now for some interesting opportunity in finland. ;-)

Tendencies..

I am learning that we all have tendencies - that makes who we are ! And they are damn difficult to change, we can call it intrinsic nature or pre-programmed deep rooted habits !

For instance, my tendency to take casual approach has become clearer to me with time. Any work, I take a very casual approach. To be meticulous or even partly so - is not my thing. It has it's consequences. It calls for me to change at time but i am just too rigid when it comes to these tendencies.

I may change - my weaker nature....habits which aren't too deep...I feel good by changing them...i consider myself flexible and a learner ...but the truth is what really needs to change...doesn't change. I may quit having tea or switch to green tea, I may start becoming more clear in my communication ...but I can do that only because they are not in contradiction to my tendencies.

When it comes to my tendencies, they are so dear to me. I  will argue and if I am good at it, I will prove and convince to others that I am right and my way of doing things is justified. However, deep down..I know it's out of my immediate reach to change it anyway.

I must expand my reach, get really out of my comfort zone..but then you need to have something extraordinarily important at stake for one to change really deeply.

Anyway...my casual approach, my inability to face people, confront them with what I really feel and not be nice-nice pretentious, trying to please everyone, getting bored with things easily, looking for fame driven activities.....are just few of many such tendencies.

What strength would I need to change them ...to even recognise other hidden ones ?

I !

Wherever I go, I take myself with me ! Indeed...

Earlier it was about my job, my salary, my prestige. Later I shifted to my social work, my impact on society and world, my contribution ! and now it's about my farm, my alternative image, my good act to heal the earth and people !

But fundamentally it's always about I and "I" brings in stress , I can feel it !

If I am attached to the idea of I and mine ...I am concerned....I am worried...

I used to enjoy rains...unconditionally but now ...i enjoy it only if it rains in a way it helps my crop and plants ! my heart yearns it should rain or it should stop !

In short...I am commanding god...I am trying to teach nature...coz of my "I" !

what joyous moments are those ...rare though...when I am just without this "I"....

there are 3 "I"s in my blog's name ...no wonder...I am so damn full of I ...

But ...gosh...how would it be just not be with our petty I's but be one with the supreme I ...as mentioned by many.....

Sab hai...par kuch bhi nahi...

I have everything right now...i don't need to worry about finances. I have a happy family. I have a decent reputation in society. I have a future plan. I have self-esteem. I am doing things that are good for me, for my society and nature at large. I have every reason to feel good, content, happy and at peace.

I don''t ! 

If I had a reason or problem, I won't be troubled for I will be busy sorting it out with the hope of arriving at peace once I sort it out. The bigger frustration right now is that I don't really have a problem, everything is good enough ! and yet - my inner peace is not to be found. Infact...I remember my good ol days when I was more at peace...those days...i was rather more confused and full of issues.

I have started living a farm life...which in current times seens as more or less the most responsible life to live. I am growing my own food, growing trees, living sustainably. I am close to my family and except from few minor , ignorable issues -we are very happy. My wife and I go along well.

I have my entire life in front of me...and I feel in position that I have power to create whatever life I wish to create. I know, I can be , I can do whatever I want to in future....It's a rare oppurtunity for anyone - I guess....to be in position that I am in. Be in control of my own destiny...

and Yet - I don't know what should I do...where should I take my destiny...

May be..I should focus more on my spiritual growth...may be I should really make a dent in social domain...may be I should become a famous farmer....perhaps I can open up a cafe or a wellness centre...may be I can start a revolution....and amongst these may be's...i just end up eating, sleeping and doing some of my regular works...

Hmmm....is this a transition period...is this the silence before the storm  ? Is something brewing in me....Is there something that existence is preparing for me ? Or has existence decided that I am of no use ...Time...shall unfold....

Err...confusion ..Grrr...

I think something is wrong with my planets ! I am so damn utterly confused this time...Yeah ..yeah..I know I've been forever confused but...this is unprecendented.

Earlier, I was confused - true - but I also had a clarity once in a while. Also, there were few topics that I was not confused about ! Right now - it's bizzare...!

I am confused about what to eat, what trees to plant, where to go, whether to go or not , sleep or not, read or not , go or not ! Bruuuuaaahhhh !

I really think there is something spooky ! I am just not able to take any decisions...so many decisions are just pending ....and my work, my life , my world has been severly affected.

Man...I must do something about it , no wait...may be I should just wait and watch and let this phase pass. No actually, I must do something...karma is important ! Well...may be let it be...arryy but kuch to karna hi padega..........

...

..

Shayad :-0

Zero !

Today as I sit at the dried lake, looking at the gloomy sky after sunset...i feel gloomy. Perhaps, that's why the sky looked gloomy.

I realize I am zero. I am a failed farmer - my crop production data is like a joke to most. I am a failed son - my parents still wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I am a failed husband - my wife still doesn't understand the point in farming and leaving city and living such a black and white life. I am a failed social activist - with zero social impact whatsoever. I am a failed sadhak - my sadhna is weak with no direction or acceleration. I am a failed man. That's what I realized today, that how I feel today.

I am zero ! Noone accepts zero , no-one wants zero. Everyone wants heroes...I want to become a hero. I want to be known as pioneer organic farming who showed path to many, I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my wife feel lucky about having me as husband, I want to become a sadhak who is enlightened and become a Guru to show path to the world ! I want to change society, course of world.

But the reality of the moment is I am "Zero". It hurts, makes me gloomy, makes me sad.

Somewhere I hear a voice - I can become a hero if I want ! and I want - then why am I not really becoming one? Somewhere I hear a voice - telling me there is nothing wrong in being a zero and something wrong in being a hero. Somewhere I hear a voice to do so many things , somewhere I hear a voice to do nothing - just be.

No wonder - I live in conflict - in a deadlock- in a constant regret of being a failure - in a frustration of not being able to translate my dreams into reality.

I am so many zeroes....waiting for that "1" right at the beginning. 

Torn Apart by Myself

There is a constant stream in me that is growing, I feel. I feel I am growing, my sadhana is deepening. An undercurrent of spiritual wellness is there within me and I am surely receiving guidelines and blessings from up above in mysterious ways.

As usual, I am totally loving this journey and can't feel more grateful.

As I live at Sadhna path and then transition to my parents place in Bhopal, there is constant change of energy levels , of lifestyles, of mental states. It's like I am living two different lives. I feel much more at peace, more calm and spiritual when I am at farm. I feel like indulging in senses, getting lazy and just kill time when I am in Bhopal.

No wonder, a tiny current of frustration comes up every time I am in city. However, I know that I am here only because I want to be here. At times, I want to fool myself by blaming my circumstances, my family for not allowing me to live peacefully back at the farm. But the harsh truth is, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be succumbing to any pressure if I also did not like being here.

I like lazing, not following any rules, waking up late, over-eating, eating junk, watching TV and all the likes. Perhaps, it's my getaway from my disciplined life at farm.

Am I still ready for real intense spiritual work ? Or Is a huge part of me still craves for indulgence into things that I generally speak against of ? Is it a pendulum swing of my "good" life at farm ? Can good really exist without bad  - or bad is needed for balancing ? Is peaceful life a balancing life or a leap out of good and bad ?

This clarity must come soon otherwise I might wasting a good amount of time in growing conflicts of my life. 

Which side to handle first ?

As I sit in audience listening to experts sharing problems of the world, I am tempted to help - to do something to help the world. I wonder if it's my conditioning or a genuine intention to help the world.

But then - if the arrow of awareness is also at the same time pointed inwards, I realize that there is other side too. The one inside me. While I am listening and understanding the issues of the world - the global warming, the educational and farming crisis , the food poison, the corporate and government conspiracy, I am also parallely feeling lot of things. I am wanting to be speaking at the podium, I want people to listen to me and value my point of view.

I am internally criticizing and refuting the stands of all the experts , so that my stand takes an upper hand. I find people and explain them how stupid that guy on the podium is and how smart I am. I am constantly wanting to be highlighted, to be appreciated. I want to be accepted by all and ignored by none.

I also feel that the problem is not really important, for there have been problems ever since we existed. What matters then  ? Do we really need to engage in problem solving or find a way to personal salvation through these issues ? 

The reality of "me"

How self-centred I am ! I realized this only recently. Yes, I had theories about how self-centred human beings generally are. I had read Bhagwat Geeta where there is a whole chapter on issues of "ego" - So, It was not that I was totally unaware of my "ego" and "self-centredness", it was only a lightening and disheartening awakening that came my way recently.

My sister was pregnant and due date was approaching. I am a big supporter of natural birth as against ceasarian. So, I lobbied big time. My sister was also convinced but doctors were insisting on ceaser because of some complexities. While complexities were not all made up, I was still of opinion to let nature take it's course. I continued convincing everyone involved to wait till we can wait and consider ceaser as only the last resort.

Slowly, everyone was on doctor's side and I was only one standing in favor of waiting for nature. So far so good. I thought it was coming from my care for my sister, perhaps it was. But I just didn't realize when it moved from care to "ego zone". Soon, it became a question of prestige, of who's right and who's wrong. When people started laughing at my calling me "ancient" - "gandhi like". They mocked at me using various sobriquets. Slowly, I was fighting a war. I was wishing , if I could prove them wrong and myself right. It was a question of my ego. I was totally shocked when I spotted this strange subtle feeling in me which quietly wished that something went wrong in ceaser - so that everyone later looked upto me and said - "You were right and we were wrong ! , We wished we heard you ! "

I was wishing hell for my sister, for the child to come ! All that simply to prove my point right. This was astonishing realization - shattering all my self-righeous image. No-one else knows it but I know and it hurts.

It's amazing to see how subtly ego works and damages entire flow of life. Is it really possible to be good and do good to others - till one has ego inside ? Is it not simply a question of realizing , of seeing hidden feelings of ego behind the curtains of "help", "love" and "support".

May I be able to forgive myself for it.

Life of Sadhak

I was about to get involved in Gaushala. Cows are in dismal situation. They needed support and protection. We are close to forest, we can open a Gaushala.

I am already involved in Sanchi University, for alternative learning centre. I am working on creating an organic farm, a basket and a market for the same. I am working on networking with people. I am doing M.A. in education. I am involved in local initiatives.

Just the other day, talking to Pandey Ji of Buddhakshetra - he threw question at me when I wanted his view on "Shall we open a Gaushala ?". He said No. I was surprised. I had assumed he, being religious and spiritual - would support this.

But, " Is not cow in need of support and Is not Gaushala a good work ? " - I asked to understand him further.

He responded, "Yes, it is a noble work but it's not work of a Sadhak" . He further explained, " It's no joke to be walking on this path of Sadhna, one need to be extremely careful not to succumb to traps of society and religion. "

It was a shock, It made me think. Yes, cows dismal situation is because of religion, greed of human beings and social structure. It immediately disillusioned me from my extra love for cow. I still feel sad but now it's not different for a cow, a man, a dog or a bird.

Ever since, I am brooding on "life and work of a sadhak". The reason I moved to farm was for my sadhna, the reason I named farm - Sadhna path was to remind myself the same. So, I need to be very careful in distribution of my work and energy.

The other flipside is - perhaps hiding in lazineness and escapism in name of "sadhna". It's a tight rope walk and I must walk the same...for this will decide a lot of things.