Today as I sit at the dried lake, looking at the gloomy sky after sunset...i feel gloomy. Perhaps, that's why the sky looked gloomy.
I realize I am zero. I am a failed farmer - my crop production data is like a joke to most. I am a failed son - my parents still wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I am a failed husband - my wife still doesn't understand the point in farming and leaving city and living such a black and white life. I am a failed social activist - with zero social impact whatsoever. I am a failed sadhak - my sadhna is weak with no direction or acceleration. I am a failed man. That's what I realized today, that how I feel today.
I am zero ! Noone accepts zero , no-one wants zero. Everyone wants heroes...I want to become a hero. I want to be known as pioneer organic farming who showed path to many, I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my wife feel lucky about having me as husband, I want to become a sadhak who is enlightened and become a Guru to show path to the world ! I want to change society, course of world.
But the reality of the moment is I am "Zero". It hurts, makes me gloomy, makes me sad.
Somewhere I hear a voice - I can become a hero if I want ! and I want - then why am I not really becoming one? Somewhere I hear a voice - telling me there is nothing wrong in being a zero and something wrong in being a hero. Somewhere I hear a voice to do so many things , somewhere I hear a voice to do nothing - just be.
No wonder - I live in conflict - in a deadlock- in a constant regret of being a failure - in a frustration of not being able to translate my dreams into reality.
I am so many zeroes....waiting for that "1" right at the beginning.
