As I continue discovery of my darker corners I realize that I am a comparison machine and a very efficient one. I continuously compare things, people, experiences and the best part – I know how to hide it and appear as a person beyond the futile childish comparing human mind. So, if you see me from outside I’ll appear quite contented and not bothered about comparison with others but inside my mind acts like a comparison machine almost always.
I also realize that now I am in comparision version 3.0 or something. In my old days Comparision 1.0 ,I used to compare my cloths with guys of my age, with the actor in movies, with tom cruise. I used to compare my bike, car and other things. Then I realized that this is very mundane. I need an edge even in comparison. So, comparison in comparison itself.
So I moved to Comparision 2.0 where I raised my levels. Here I no longer compare cloths and other material things. They are for the mediocre. Now I compare, lifestyles, level of intelligence, perspectives and way of looking at things. I know the art to appear to be so unbiased and nice and humble but deep inside in very subtle ways I am always comparing and devising very very cunning ways to somehow gain the upper edge.
Comparison doesn’t stop at comparing, I want to conquer and have the upper edge. Thankfully I’ve got some good reasoning skills and logical thinking which I often use to gain this upper edge.
Quite often my life is driven by the feeling of comparison. “Ok, so that guy who I considered stupid is also doing the same corporate job and is earning almost as good as me. What the hell ? How can I gain an edge over him ?”
Aha ! Make him look stupid. Shun corporate world and join social sector and there you’ve an upper edge on most of the competitors. Great !
Now, I am in Comparison 3.0 where I’ve deepened my comparisons. Now I compare how good am I at love making, how can I make people feel, how I can gain the spiritual experiences that would give me an edge.
This comparison is continually inside. When I am at work, as I come across a blog on education – I immediately either wanna refute it, counter it with a really sound argument so that I get an edge or If I can’t do it. I’ll make it a part of me – so equals but not greater than me !
Absurdity personifies when I do it in relationships. I compare size of my dick with the size of dick of my girl friend’s ex boy friend. I compare if I make better love than all the ex boy friends of my lover. I compare if she is more happy with me or with him. I compare whether she loved and cared more for him or for me. I compare importance of my in someone's life to importance of others in that persons life. I am continuously comparing and through some way or other – very subtly trying to gain an upper edge. Sometimes I care, love, like, listen, support, help - all just to gain that extra importance, that extra edge. I wanna compare and I wanna be at the top.
Why am I like this ? Where did I learn to compare almost everything ? I don’t know. Perhaps education or parents. Perhaps its inbuilt in human system. But that me now ! :-)
Oh ! How great are the men who don’t compare, I wish I can get an edge over them ;-)
