Just updates ...

 Hmm...been really long that I wrote here ! so just thought of saying Hi ! I wonder who would or would someone ever read all these ! Lemme write anyway ....

So, Life is good. Children are growing and it's such a pleasure to be part of that...though I often miss the moments and feel that I am often not present to them - given my other engagements. They are the joy in my life and such wonderful gift of God .....It's me who need to learn to accept and engage with them ...

Priyambada is also doing fine, she has been such a great support and I cannot thank my stars enough for sending her in my life....Children's education and my financial instability seems to be the only two factors that sometimes bring some tension between us but otherwise ...life is wonderful with her...Thank you God for her ! 

Parents, Yash, Poonam - are all doing fine - busy with their own life's challenges....To each his own....but our togetherness is still alive and I hope it stays so....! Sometimes I do wonder is it not possible that all of us live together in some nice place like the farm instead of spreading all over....but then....

Farm is doing great...I am happy and healthy....Deepening my spiritual practices. Shree Premanand Maharaj Ji has been a great blessing for me , he has brough a lot of fresh and new energy into my life with Naam Jap his way of life....I am forever grateful to Gurus that have touched my life and guided to me to be the person I am - Osho , JK, Raman Maharishi, Ramakrishna , Ksheersagar Ji Mahajar, Param Shredheya Ram sukh das ji Maharaj, Saranand ji, Akhandanand Ji, Nityanand Giri Ji Maharaj , Dharmdas Ji and Pandey to just name few I could immediately recall.....Jai Gurudev....

Finacces remain a challenge I continue to deal with them......

Life is good, I am deeply grateful and just hope that God continues to bring me closer to him...

Thank you , Love you ! 

The pain of Heroes .....

 

I always used to wonder why a Gandhi that revolutionized the entire world, one man who awakened the entire nation - someone who everyone looked upto, couldn't bring about much change to his own son ? 

Recently, why Ambani's son is nowhere close to what Ambanis were....the list is almost endless. 

Why most of the heroes of past , of our times have had tough time gaining respect and acceptance amongst the people closest to them ? 

Personally, what hundreds people in my circle look upto me for, what I am able to convince a larger audience for - is almost an utter failure at home. I can perhaps give an extra-ordinary lecture, workshop , insta reel on education, organic food, sustainable lifestyles etc.. while almost opposite of all that I am propagating continues to happen at my own home, in front of my own eyes, by my very own people. 

It's painful, frustrating at times and often makes one feel absolutely defeated inspite of the certificates of triumphs from the rest of the world, 

Yet, I see this has a very strong purpose to serve. One it doesn't let anyone grow to feel like God. It keeps people like us who claim to be heroes in some sense, in reality check. It keeps us grounded. Also, at the end of it, it helps us not to attach too much to the cause and become almost fundamentalist  - which is very dangerous. 

Life's processes are full of compassion and it always makes sense in larger canvas and longer time space. 

The position of a father

 

I must admit that amongst the various hats that I am juggling with - organic farmer, educator, editor, videomaker, app maker etc...role of being a father is the one taking the most time and energy and it is definitely the trickiest one. 

The rope that a father has to walk on is very tight - you are being a role model, a teacher, a friend, a tough tutor , a boundary maker, a need fulfiller, a pamperer etc - all at the same time. While you are playing all these roles which has long lasting impact on your child - you also need to manage your own emotional and spiritual well-being and ups and downs. 

Today, I hit my elder child for him being rude to her aunt and for not listening to what adults were saying. Further when I ordered him to come back to me to discuss the issue, he ran away to another room saying  - I will still eat it. ( the whole debate was around eating a tablet that he wanted to eat and which his aunt said not to). I was already agitated today and when this happened - snap ! I lost it. I went to the room, took him to a corner and hit him on his head (slapped) as he put both his hands up protecting his face and bending down. Head is all I could hit upon. I hit quite hard - two to three times and then I locked him up in the bathroom with lights off. As he cried inside, I walk restlessly outside the bathroom - meeting all my dilemmas. Why did I hit ? If I did not hit , how would he understand that this not the way to deal with adults ? But does hitting really helps ? Such a poor small child, why do I have to be so angry on him > May be I must learn to handle my own anger ! No, as a father I must discipline him and at times you need to be strict and tough. so on and so forth

I felt like crying , like locking myself in a room or to run away somewhere. Here is a father - not knowing how to deal a situation. Here is a father, he himself has issues to resolve within. Fuh, quite tough. Quite sad. 

Soon, I released him explaining to him why I hit him which was mainly a justification for my hitting him. "See, I hit you because you made serious mistake and if you do so , I shall hit you ! " 

If I don't hit, and telling and explaining doesn't work  - how do we handle a situation where child crosses the line ? may be hitting won't work either , making things worse. May be it will work ? For some it has - the fear of getting beaten up for mistakes helps them avoid mistakes. I've seen people still loving their elders inspite of beating. Does it justify beating ? 

I don't want to loose the connection, the love we share. But I don't know how to handle many situations like these. and Deva is very strong personality, confident, rational, logical, unafraid ! - a strong child. At times, I run out of ideas to meet a situation, not doing anything also looks like a bad option , as the message goes to child in that case is also not good. The balance is what I need to find. I don't know if I ever will.

For now, this pain in me to go and apologize to him, hug him, kiss him and still not able to do be able to do it, is what is killing me. May be that's my part of the punishment. 

किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़ - What to do ? How do I decide ?

 

I just happened to find perfect word for my current state of being - 

किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़

(KIM KARTAVYA VIMOODH)

Kim means WHAT 

Kartavya : Duty / Work 

Vimoodh : Confused ! 

What should I do ? What should be my work ? What are my duties or rightful action ? When one is confused about it , the word in sanskrit is 

किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़

I am involved in so many works that I am often over loaded and stressed. Farming, Learning Center, Family, Friends, Android App, Website, Ticketing , Gaushala, Jinan , Faketha, Cooking, Cleaning, managing etc.. None of it appears give upable ! ;-) 

So may be I should increase my capacity and feel blessed to be so useful in so many fields ! May be I should not stress and just do what needs to be done and do it well....or May be I should chuck down to 2-3 key works so that I've focussed time and free time too ! 

Don't know really ! Kim Kartavya Vimoodh ;-) 

The Dip Phase

 

Hmm....you know when a blog starts with a sigh - this is not going be a very happy one. Life seems to be suddenly so full of problems and I am absolutely clueless on what to do. Family life with parents and wife seems okay on the surface but the deeper connection is missing - the deeper sharing, the deeper understanding is missing and I don't see it being found in anytime near future. Farming is challenging as usual, I spent last 2 months in seed procuring , solar fencing, planning, mannuring and I just came from a walk in the fields - my crops look damn weak, most of them are gone ! I may need to buy daal and rice again from market. Inspite of having such a big farm , inspite of investing like crazy - I am unable to secure my very basic food. Children are a beautiful ray of hope in this entire canvass. To see them makes me happy, to be with them makes me alive. The worry is - am  I giving the right childhood to them ? Am I being a good father ? Do I need to do something more or something less ? 

Spiritually, my faith in god has been shaking. Because it has been mainly mental - realizations and experiences have not deepened - the mind thus takes over. 

Health is okay but not what I want it to be. Losing some weight , quitting smoking/drinking/junk remains a dream I chase everyday. Finances are being managed with family's support but still that 's also not in a healthy state. 

Overall , suddenly life seems dull , a losing battle. And all the places I could run and hide have also burn out. People I can deeply connect and reflect have also reduced. Yes, perhaps if I Shout for help - I may get some hands but then why shout !? I continue to walk slowly ....silently .....

My father and the farm

Happy to be alive in midst of the second covid wave. World has changed so much in last 12-15 months due to pandemic, however I am not gonna talk about it as already too much has been talked about pandemic and corona. 

What I wish to share is a milestone, a special moment of my life. In my 8 years of stay at farm so far, while my mother did visit us 8-10 times , my father did not. Not even once. While I understand his disinterest in this farm and dislike of people of this region, somewhere I did use to feel bad about it. 

Few days back, my grandmother (nani) passed away , perhaps due to covid and my mother and father decided to come to attend the funeral. Post funeral we need to take bath and the bath was planned at the farm and thus his visit was confirmed to farm for the first time in 8 years for me, 20 years for him. 

I wished I clicked more picture but these are the only two I have. the short trip was full of events and emotions. He did not like the approach road as my car could barely cross it, he did not like the houses as it him on his head, he could just appreciate only one mango tree, the pumps did not work for bathing. Overall he did not seem very impressed. Frankly, there is nothing much I have done to impress him anyway. I felt sad for my 8 years of lousy work. I wish I did more. I wish I knew how to do more. I wish I was more organized and farm was more impressive. 

Nevertheless, I loved his presence. I was super happy inside. Just to see him walk around was a treat. I could also see the latent appreciation and liking in his eyes. I now wait for his next trip which goes beyond few hours and really look forward to offering him an experience of joy that I get when I am here. 

Thank you papa, Thank you God. Thank you nature. :-) 

Life's beautiful

I did not realize that this post is coming after almost 3 years ! Woo....why I didn't write ?  Anyway..

To update about my life, life's beautiful. Each day , I am growing, existennce is showering me with immense blessings that I perhaps don't even deserve.

Children are as usual a blessing and a joy. Married life is going smooth too, though I do sometime wonder why I don't feel for my wife as strongly I felt for my first love ? Well...

Family is good. Things are all going very smooth and lovely.

Farm is growing too. Trees and birds and fireflies have increased.

My relationships are decent. From those which are not, I am extracting lot of wisdom from the discomforts.

Concerned about my children's upbringing a bit. Working with jinan Ji , Rajesh ji and few more friends to understand learning so that I can allow my children to flower...

Ma-Pa are good. Baki sab mast hi hai ! Matlab jo thoda bahut nahi hai...I frankly don't feel like writing it.

Life's beautiful and I am deeply grateful for whatever is happening.....Thank you Thank you !