How far can I live in ignorance ?

I know, far more clearly today than ever, that I don't know ! Perhaps, nobody knows and it surprises me why they don't know that they really don't know ! We all act as we know everything that we are doing and saying. I've seen many experts pretending to be so sure of what they say and do while I can clearly see that they do not really know what they are saying and what they are doing.  I've detested them and don't wish to turn into one.

I realize I do not know much about children, education, rights, wrong, way of life, environment, politics, society, actions, religion, meditation ! All my knowledge is partial, almost bordering on ignorance.
Secondly, I realize that any action arising out of confusion, partial knowledge or the illusion of it will eventually only be destructive. I feel that's what is happening to our world today. Lot of well intensioned people doing their work thinking they are doing it right and good to the world and still our world is worst of in the entire history of mankind.  I think unless we have the bigger picture and understanding of the very basic laws of life, whatever we do cannot be an act of goodness.

I feel fed up of my ignorance. I want to know more but don't know how. Don't even know if its really possible to get the clarity that I am striving for. But one thing is certain, knowing that my ignorance cannot really be help to the world, to anybody else including me has made me realize the urgent need to know more.

I ask myself what is my true knowledge something that I have found myself ! I go Blank ! All my life is second hand. I want to find something that original, something that truly my own discovery.

The world has turned into second hand, I find my heart longing to hear one - just one original statement. Something fresh. Something thats not dead.

Lets see how the journey unfolds with this new realization. 

A journey within and a journey without

The comfort, certainty and security of a confirmed train ticket during Diwali peak rush for a journey of 30+ hours ! Wow ! Ofcourse, I preferred this to the uncertainty , discomfort and insecurity of the unreserved travel. Who would want to face the troubles and hardship that 60% of our fellow countrymen face ?

Where I slept the first night ! 

I'd better live in my own small bubble of S7-63, garuda mall, sunday movie, mocachilo at CCD, fav dum biriyani, TED videos for feeling better, few friends with relationship of mutual appreciation and a world view that makes me feel good about myself and my beliefs ! 

Thanks to Indian Railways ! my seat didn't confirm and I had to come out of my bubble, my comfort zone, my plan for my life ! Now, here I was on a journey that was beyond my control with no idea of what was going to come my way. 

In hope of a better seat, I reached station 1 hours earlier, only to find myself behind the folks who were sitting in the train holding onto their seats since last 2 hours ! There was no space,  I thought ! just then, I saw more than 30 people making their way into the already full compartment with children in hand, buckets, bags.  What to me was over crowded, was an empty train for those workers from Rajasthan. I wondered what they were doing down south ? 

But I knew, that till Bangalore I can just get into sleeper and so I did and found an empty coupe streched myself and took out the book I've been reading since few weeks - Autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi and started reading it. I wonder if there could have been a better companion on this journey than this book. As I prepared to enter the third class in the train to Hyderabad, coincidently I was reading a chapter of Gandhi Ji's journey in third class. I could related to each word he said, so much in real time ! 

I'd skip the details of trains and locations and come to few things that touched me.

There was a child I saw with a smile of angel and smartness of a prodigy. He was son of a beggar, perhaps unless he gets unrealistically lucky, destined to be  poor, unknown. In a moment, I was ashamed of all the sucesses I've had. It all appeared so unfair and trivial in a moment. I wondered if only each of such child was given an equal oppurtunity to grow- most of them will perhaps make us look silly mistakes.  I am successful perhaps only because such children have been forced to fail. 

In AP express, I saw people fighting for every inch of space. I somehow got onto the general compartment  and was soon pushed inside the toilet to accommodate the people who were hanging from the gate. I shared the toilet with 4 others. I wondered when 60% of Indians are still poor why Indian railway has only 10% of boggies allocated to the poor ? There are usually 2-4 general compartments while at least 12 sleeper, 4-8 AC. Not to mention so many only AC trains like Rajadhani, Shatabdi, Duronto ! Gandhi Ji has just mentioned in his autobiography, how Indians of this sections are rather considered Sheep and treated like animals. He said it in 1916, I observed exactly the same almost a 100 years later ! 

Sharing the toilet.

Finally, i kept hopping train in hope for a spacious train and I kept missing trains in front of my eyes. At this point I started reading the book "Indigo Spirit" by Marti. It talked about the crisis our planet is in and how our indigo spirit can save us. It was a book full of positivism and  interesting statements. One of the statement that still remains with me after finishing the book was a comment by a child - " Wings have birds".  It stayed with me for a long time and still is with me. It just opened a new way of looking at life. 

At Nagpur, while reading this book I suddenly heard a very sweet voice singing "Phir mohhabbat" , it was much more soothing than the original song. I followed the voice and found a young man without any legs crawling to beg and singing along with lovely smile on his face. It was time for Rajadhani and he was hoping some business and there he got one coin (looked either 1 or 2)  from the man in three fourth and headphones who got down from rajadhani to grab a pepsi.  How will I ever be able to appreciate Indian idol or any other  singer favorite of mine now ? 

Finally, sleeping next to footwears, next to washrooms, paying a bribe and penalty - I somehow reached home in 46 hours. Although this wasn't the first time I traveled like this but perhaps, I've never really looked at things so closely before. The feeling I am left with is "what an unfair world we have created ! " .  My heart is heavy with tears waiting to be shed. My bubble grew bigger. My mind is shocked with my inability to change the world to my wish. What can I do ? I've no clue. But this dent in my heart will stay for a long time for sure and hopefully won't stop at just being a feeling or an emotional blog post ! I've perhaps got my light for this Diwali. 

The Secret of Happiness, the recipe of Joy !

As usual, going by what feels right, standing against reasons, pressures and temptations, I chose to come to Mysore to join Arivu - a small, relatively new school. In no time I could see the storm of confusion, conflicts and uncertainty subsiding. The secret of happiness is now revealing to me.

Life here is beautiful, peaceful and meaningful. Everything about Mysore is a reason to smile. Compassionate, helping and kind people, lovely climate, scenic horizons, affordable lifestyle, possibilities of numerous learning avenues and a place full of opportunities.

I am living in small room in the outskirts of city, almost the end - next to a beautiful lake and bird sanctuary. My monthly expenses here usually do not exceed Rs.5000 including home rent and everything else. This is where I have been very clearly discover the recipe of joy.

I think what makes my life wonderful here is - balance - presence of all ingredients of life in right quantities. I spend hours working hard and hours sitting watching the sky. I meet strangers, people of all walks and I spent hours with myself. I walk, run, jog and I sleep a lot. At times I binge on cheap local street food to stuff myself up and other days I just fast or stay on fruits. I read a lot, listen to music. I write a lot and compose my own music. I work with kids and with adults. I travel a lot and stay put as well. I've a lot of space and time for my own growth and i also give time and energy to my loving relationships. I experience chaos of cities and the silence of night sky. I make lot of plans for future and cherish my past and I also relish the present moment.

Money, recognition, vast circle of friends, facilities, luxury, drugs, alcohol, family or nirvana. Nothing really matters. Absence of any of above can never devoid one from the joy of life.

What matters perhaps is right balance of many things and the courage to take out from your life - things that are sucking energy and have no positive use whatsoever.

  

Ways of the White clouds or a wierd clown ?

Directionless, aimless, clueless ! Perfect beginning of this blog to share my state of mind. When I quit my last job, I think i had a clear plan and vision of my future and partly that of world. 3 weeks, and it all changed. Toppled upside down. I changed so many plans, I shifted so many stands, I made so many decisions and then changed them - and those I stood by - I regretted taking them.
Everything looks good and bad, right and wrong and thus the buzzword of my life remains unchanged - "Confusion".

Why is this happening ? Coincidentally, I started reading Gudjieff and Ouspensky around the same time and learnt about "multiplicty of "I" " in human mind. I am a living example.
There are so many "I"s in me, one decides other refutes. No wonder I am confused.
Secondly, I do not have any clarity of my own. For e.g. yes changing the world is  noble idea says one side, while the other asks - "Really ? aint you being stupid, egoistic and unrealistic ? ".
one side almost decided to open a school in rural area and do farming , other side says " really ? what about travel, you wanna lock yourself down ? and anyway - what use is this school anyway ? "

Conflicts prevail and confusion spreads. People around me are anxious, my parents, relatives and lot of friends. At 30, they expect me to know what I want , what I want to do , what plans do I hold etc..

And I wanna shout back, "I dont know ! " . I really have no idea on what to do ? What I want to do ! I have no idea , who and what I am and why am I here ! But I cant say that ! for that'd immediately label me as failure, lost ! and make things even more difficult for people and myself !

Nevertheless, I am happy inside ! I think its ok to be clueless , directionless and age and experience really doesnt matter ! MAy be I am late ! May be I never arrive ! It's ok ! Deep down, I know I am searching for a deeper meaning, something really worth my life ! It might come, it might not. But truly, I would not regret dying this way too - searching, finding, learning, confused !

I thought and I felt and I am almost concluding !

It's been long. I've been doing everything that came to my mind to support the "unknown" and "unclear" vision inside me. Over the time ,I 've grown more uncertain than being certain, more questions have come than answers. Here, today I stand at a stage where I've quit my job and given my life - yet another chance to rewrite my future !


I've tried all that my mind suggested- worked in corporate living lavishly, working in social sector - living consciously, living in a village, travelling without purpose in search of a place to belong, in search of a master ! Almost 30 years have gone by and I stand at a strange point in my life.


The feeling of not belonging here, the feeling of something being terribly wrong with the world , something very essential missing in me ! - has grown , deepened.


There have not been much achievement in the worldly sense but inside this immense restlessness is my award of taking paths I took.


Utterly unsure, unclear and uncertain - there are few things which I have realized and would lay stones for my future actions. 
First - I am convinced at least to a large extent that - all this visible drama that goes on in this world be it poverty or the prevention of it ,be it corruption or striving to be honest , be it saving the planet or causing hollocaust !- all seems a tiny negligible illusion in the whole cosmic drama ! 


Secondly, the way out perhaps is only Spirituality and study of self.  Spirituality is the only thing that I've not got enough of or have got cynical of. There is something that all these mystics are talking about. From Gurdjieff of 1900s to Krishna's Geeta - thousands of years old - there is a lot that remains common, there is a lot that makes perfect sense in theory. 


Thus, the only way forward for me is to study myself and leave everything behind. To bring a revolution not outside but inside. To totally experiment - without fear - risking my life, risking failure, risking not finding anything at the end of it all. 


However even this shift is huge. For now, it calls for me to really do it. I've lived with this theory and idea for a long time and just because it was a distant possiblity  - I kept living my life in my own funny ways with eyes on the carrot beyond. 


I think now I've reached the carrot. Now I just need to grab it. Now is the time to do something about all that I've been thinking ,hearing, feeling and the only thing that is worth doing is doing "nothing" - for that is the way to clarity and meaning in life. 

Successphobia and What am I ?

 The thorn in the heart of the questions is slowly starting to pinch harder, deeper. The pain is slowly accentuating and the confusion broadening. I wonder what I am, who I am, What am I supposed to do in this world (where I don’t know why I am here in the first place ! ) , do I have a role to fulfil or am I a tiny ignorable creature of hardly any importance ? All this and more. It seems the law of reproduction applies to questions too, I was with few questions and as I am living with them more, each day I wake up with more and more questions and hardly any answers ! An answer if ever found only leads to hundred new questions for sure.

Few thoughts, first I think I have successphobia, for I look back into my life – I’ve quit my job/work just at the moment when I started becoming successful in that field, just when I can smell success, just when I can see the heydays coming my way, I prefer to walk in other direction. It has been so with all my jobs. I quit just when things were starting to look easy and controllable. Perhaps, I hate control and love the randomness and chaos. Undoubtedly, if only I’d have stayed in anything I was doing – be it my first job as engineer or second as manager in non-profit or the last one as an alternative school teacher – I must have gained lot of financial and professional stability. Here I am, with no money in hand, experience good for nothing and standing right where I began.

But tell you what, I don’t regret it. I think my heart is taking me to right directions, and that it’s ways are unconventional only makes my faith stronger. I am asking myself these questions and I realize that I don’t want to arrive in first place, I don’t want lot of money either. All I hanker at this stage of my life is – a easy life where there is music, dance, celebration and a lot of spiritual growth. A lifestyle where each day I am approaching my answer. Where each day I am learning to live more really, naturally and intensely. However in the very seeking of this simplicity, my life stands in centre of instability and chaos.

The situation is rather queer. I know lot of skills but I just don’t know what to do with them and I know none of them to mastery. I can play decent guitar, make some silly movies, speak publicly with authority, teach with effectiveness, plan and ideate with spontaneity, help seek solutions to issues, make good teams and be good team member, lead when necessary, think critically sufficiently, write sensibly so on. However I am master of none and there is no skill that is top favourite of mine. I enjoy each one at a different time or mood. Hence, the question accentuates – what am I ? Should i take my guitar skills to next level or should i explore my writing skills ? Should I continue teaching or should I work in team ?

Can I not be an expert and still earn a livelihood and contribute positively to society ? I see very few such examples and this sometimes both motivates and demotivates me.

Nevertheless, I do feel little lost and all over the place but certainly this doesn’t mean I am lost. Here is a perfect song to accompany this blog. J

Where do I belong ?

Where do I belong ?
I walk on this land, I breathe the same air
Why do I still feel something is incomplete here ?
Everyone seems happy with the way things are.
Why do, then I feel that my home is afar ?
Could it be my imagination or a psycopathic thought ?
Or is it really something that I am seeing which others are not ?

Which side of sea are the madmen ?
The one which looks mad or the one which is.., both or none ?

I wonder, if not this - what ?
If not this way - how ?
If not here - where ?
Where do I belong ?
It's gone far beyond than just being different and curious,
It's certainly not just an unrest without a cause...
But where will, if ever, I find my answers
or at least be convinced to sink my questions into the ocean of ignorance
Will I ever know if my thirst is real or an illusion ?
and which is the shore of whoose water I am seeking ?

The place where I live, doesn't feel home...
The people around, seems of different tribe...
The food that I eat and the water I drink, as if a cow being served meat,
The music that I hear, doesn't strum my heart,
The love I am bestowed with, doesn't thrill my soul,
The knowledge I have earned, seems too shallow...

And it makes me wonder,
Where do I belong ?
And will I ever find my home ?

Last resort, Last retreat !

I am turning 30 soon and I have still no clue about what I want to do in life especially how I want to do it and most importantly why I wish to do it ! This hurts ! This irritates, frustrates, furiates and saddens. This makes me restless and impatient. This makes me look stupid in front of other - almost all the the time in front of most of the people. Thank god, to me and to a selected few - it still feels ok !

For the first time in my life - I am feeling this immense panic - of doing something before I go crazy or waste my life ! I felt that strange suffocation of not being able to arrive so far ! not sure about how to live life ! be it as simple as to smoke or to not, to eat meat or to not ! There seems no internal ray to guide and external is just frustratingly confusing.

Hence, as my last resort and perhaps my last retreat - I am heading to himalayas -somewhere in a small village in himachal where I would spend time getting more clarity and self trust ! - by doing nothing !

I plan to live in silence, meditate, eat healthy, create a more harmonious rythm of life. Hopefully, when i come back after 3 months - I know at least - where to start !

Moving to Himalayas

Alright one great year at Pathashaala ! I learnt a lot about education, about kids and about life ! Experienced the silence of this beautiful bucolic settings. Met many interesting individuals. Read many great books. Overall - can't ask for more !

I grew professionally and personally. To some extent spiritually too. However the deep unrest remains and I am faced with this question - How long am I gonna live like this ? Yes, life is beautiful but I feel like I don't really know what am I and what am I doing ? There is a void ....there is a deep question which I am unable to address...

Besides, this place has shown me different colors. Some of which - I dislike and disagree ! Amidst all this  - I've decided to move on. I now, plan to give my full attention to this question inside me, this seeking of something ! I don't know what to do , how to do...but I wanna make it the dominant thing in my life and rest all secondary.

Job, food, shelter, family .....will be secondary to the search ! I am nervous, unsure ...what journey am I embarking on. But I have to move on......

Love,
sb