Everything comes in right time

Do I need to tell you that I am still dissatisfied ? Recently got a book - " What should I do with my life ? " , read first few chapters to conclude not to read any further.

So, what should I do with my life ? Some clarity seems to be coming. After all the "upadrav" , there are few things clear to me. I want a job where I don't have to go to people, people should come to me. It should be less stressful, more free time ! Money, doesn't really matter.

Guess what...a job finally seems to be fitting ...Teaching ! It is almost everything that I want, although i am sceptical how long will it keep me interested. But that is the next step.

i am reading Gurdjieff now, and as he puts everything comes in right time......I am just waiting...but m so glad I am doing it all...MY WAY !

Time for the leap

Been quite sometime, I blogged ! Although life's been through a lot.
The ultimate guilt in me to do something for other before I do something for myself, (others specifically mean poor and those who suffer not because of their own mistakes but our social system's) - I recently joined GiveIndia which is an NPO in Mumbai.
Never thought, I'll take up a job in Mumbai..but I did and as usual I am able to make myself convinced that i am happy and show off to my friends that i am doing the right thing.
The bad news - the conflicts remain...
Life seems moving faster, slipping off faster with every year passing by and I seem to be growing unsatisfactorily.

While working in social sector, I thought i'll be more at peace and more satisfied. But the direct exposure, my helplessness and more importantly facing my real personality that perhaps is not really bothered about helping anyone brings more dissatisfaction.

Do i really want to serve others ? Yes, I do feel happy when i make some poor kid happy and i do feel sad everytime I see a beggar passing by while I eat an expensive burger - but both the feelings are temporary and not strong enough to really give me a purpose.

Its strange that over last so many years, going through so much - I still haven't reached anywhere. I still don't know what to do in Life, what road to take.. It makes me feel stupid because others classify it as immaturity, mid-life crisis, unclear mind, lost youth, confused soul, still a kid.....and don't know what all..

I strongly feel that now is the time for the leap. What leap, which direction, no idea !
But a leap that leaves everything behind and brings forward a new way of life.

I so desperately feel the need of a guiding star - from within because without have searched for long. Just hoping that leap comes before its late.

I walk on and on

Zen Master Santoka wrote - " I've nothing else to do, I walk on and on. "
That's me too.

I have nothing else to do. Nothing which I am sure of, nothing that I can give me 100% to. Ofcourse I can do so many things, mostly useless. But as always, life still remains so interesting, so beautiful.

With my recent relationship, I have changed a lot. The relationship is over but it has gifted me with precious insights about love, life and relationships. Last 6 months have been like a turmoil, so much happened. I enjoyed it all. I am happy it happened. The stress, the confusions, the mistakes, the thrills, the happiness, the tears. I feel alive. Amidst, all this one thing has become even more certain. I need to walk on and on - that too not on the wrong path. The problem is I don't know the right path.

I don't want to do a job that binds me, that restricts me or that involves stupid outcomes like selling soaps. But I am not sure of any of my skills or interests - what to do ?

I see a ray of hope with Zen Counselling. I want to learn Zen, Zen Counselling and see how Zen can be of use to our daily life and then make it my earning bread. It's gonna be tough, but I want to try as I see it as freedom and doing something I'd like.

But as my mind is like clouds , ever wavering - I am not sure what happens. In fact, I've learnt to live with this uncertainty of my mind. Be it. I want to learn to accept as I am. Confused, wavering, non focussed- whatever. That's me. Perhaps.

The epitome of a confused mind

What do I do ? What job to choose ? Where to live ?
How to Live ?
Indeed, my mind has become the most confused mind. There are millions of thoughts and billions of conflicts which are continuously taking my present away in hope of a future that I want.

The basic question is - what is my purpose in this universe ?
Certainly it is not to make those Integrated Circuits !
Nor it is to sell products through creative advertising and marketing !
I don't know my ideal job.

If there doesn't exist one ideal job then how is one supposed to earn money and live life ? Shall I take up any job and try to be happy ? How can one try to be happy ? One can at most pretend.

My parents are worried and my impression in their eyes is falling down. They are loosing faith me. So am I !

Why can't I just do a job that pays well ? Why can't I just stay in any city ?
Is it wrong not to like Mumbai's life style or to like the culture abroad ?

I don't have money, I am in considerable debts. I am not earning money.
My love life is shacky ! My family is moving distant with each passing year.

What am I doing ? Just sitting confused.

A reduced man

I just returned few days back from Italy, my first ever trip abroad. I feel I am a reduced man now.

Italy was a culture shock, I could clearly see how limited my perceptions were and how strong my Indian conditioning is. It shook me from bottom. I am extremely disturbed, more lost than ever, more confused than ever.

The man (or woman) in Italy are so different, everything is so different yet so similar. I go back to my confusions of what is right, what is wrong ? What is moral , what is immoral ? All these questions haunt me deep inside, more than ever before.

I am a reduced man today because now I don't have courage to stand for anything that I think is right or correct. I know I can be wrong. I know there is nothing wrong in being wrong. My life is more insecure now because all my rigid perceptions of life are being hammered. I am lost more than ever because now I am loosing confidence in my beliefs and my thinking.

Somewhere I know its a good process but at this moment extremely painful. I feel like a stupid, like a looser, like a person who knows nothing.

I don't know how to live life, how to love and it hurts deeply.

Rebel without a cause.

The title best describes my state right now. Deep down, I am feelings very rebelious, wanting to put all my energy into some revolution that'll give meaning to my life, that'll change the world into a better place. Only one tiny problem - "The cause".
I don't believe that I've enough intelligence to decide what's wrong or right. Which cause is more worthy. I don't know what to do. It feels like I've lost my memory of all my ambitions and dreams.

All I remember is that world is full of misery, world is not right, something (infact many things) are misplaced but I don't have enough intelligence to put things in order. I am a mess into myself. I am empty hearted with no love for anyone. I am confused in my thoughts. Such a man, I think can never create a constructive revolution, so I rather choose to be silent.

But this silence has it's own pain. It makes me restless. Then ? I think first step of revolution is myself. I need to sharpen my intelligence before I distort the world through my actions. I need to get rid of voilence and angst inside me before I bring peace into this world. I don't know how to do it. May be meditation is the way, but I don't know. I am gonna try few things before I give up.

Nevertheless, the world is for sure useless for me now. I see no meaning in living in flow of the crowd, I see no meanings in following some cult or social conditions. I see no reason why I should live as per rules laid by others. All I need is to find my own rules.

Where is the LOVE ??