Life is celebration

Finally as I am settling down at Sadhna Path, the madman's farm - Life is turning into real celebrations. All the theories I've read in spiritual texts are slowly becoming a part of my reality. I am learning a lot, enjoying and loving the experience.

There is a weak fear that this might not last long but that's part of journey I guess. Small wonders of life are becoming very special. A bird visiting the farm, listening to new baby bird's chirp in the cardboard home I made for them, seeing butterflies flutter everywhere and flowers blooming inspite of my ill treated planting of the plants- all of it just makes me feel so happy and thankful to the existence.

A deeper calm inside is growing and I feel that I am on Sadhna path....the road to sanity. I get anxious and impatient  - wanting to know all secrets of the universe but I have also slowly learnt that we get what we deserve. It's more about growing my capacity to take, universe , existence, god is always there to make it overflow.

The journey looks long but beautiful. I feel happy alone but I also feel the urge to relate..
Can't be more grateful and more greedy for more sanity.

Thank you :)

One man who is guiding my journey all the way is Bhagwan Rajnees, Osho....I feel every word he said is to make me grow. I can feel his vague presence. He is my mentor in this journey to unknown.

It's him who has taught me so much, I can't even be grateful to him, it feels too short ! Osho.....thank you ! :)

Real Transformation and "the Other"

So here I am on the Sadhna Path, in the Sadhna Path (or the madman's farm - where I am living now) and the questions come as usual.

I chose to come down to this farm in village, work with natural farming primarily to support my inner journey. As Osho suggested three key pillars as fundamental to life of a seeker, in his book - Sadhna Path :-

• Samyak Bhojan (Right Food - Quantity, Quality and the way we eat it)
• Samyak Shram (Right Labor - Not too much, not too less just doing what our body is designed for)
• Samyak Nindra (Right Sleep - Sound, Deep, not too less, not too much) 

Among many other pointers and learning, these were few words of wisdom I was holding on to while taking decision about next step in my life ! At the Madman's farm, I could find all three coming naturally and much more!

I can clearly see the importance of external circumstances on inner life but I am also increasingly becoming aware of need for deeper real transformation. I find myself more or less same at the core inspite of huge changes at my surface. I don't know how do I affect the inner change but I must learn for all the outer change is of almost no value. It does look significant but truly it's like name in the sand at the seashore. Just a wave and i'll be back to what I was. 

Second realization for me recently is about the "others!". I am too much influenced by what the others think, how they look at me and how I'll like to be perceived by them. Oh my god ! This one is a very very strong emotion and trait in me. It has been and is a key motivator for a lot of actions. I wish to please all, to be "right" in eyes of most - especially people I hold high in my view. I wish to be someday free of this "other" syndrome. 

A lot of times, "other" is not just individual but also a philosophy, vision or fad. Like what do the green people or green philosophy think of me if I drive a bullet? Shall I teach english to young children - what will people in alternative education and deschooling movement think of me ! It's quite funny and serious sickness m holding inside !

Lets see ! Real transformation will lead to these real changes in me and my actions. I just need to give it chance. The problem is that I am too weak and my will power is not strong. I easily succumb to the easy and sleepy lifestyle. Add to it, that almost all around me are like that - I find it too easy to slip from a good, natural and healthy lifestyle to unhealthy and unnatural consumerist lifestyle. 

Hmm...Perhaps the catch is that real transformation is not in our hands. It will happen. We cannot do it. Otherwise, it'd have been easy to do it. I have to allow it. I just need to allow the real transformation and rest my fears disguised in superficial transformation. I must let go of my ego not in theory or talks but in everyday. How and when ! Perhaps universe has a plan.....may I get the wisdom just not to disturb the divine plan. 

The Farmer : A Poem

How lovely is the day of a farmer,

in the open fields, with new blossoms,


unknown, stranger friends, here and there,


a grasshopper, an ant, a butterfly, a bird, an earthworm, a stray dog,


how wonderful is a day at the fields,


birds chirp, to wish morning, so you may not miss the sunrise...


for a new day, a beautiful day knocks everyday,


the silence of afternoon, with songs of winds rustling through the grass,


colorful play on the blue sky at sunset,


as one fall asleep with the birds, a firefly wishes goodnight,


amidst the silence of night, a plop pp of the jump of the frog into the well,


How fortunate are those who get company of god in lap of nature. 

Jungle Boy - Mangal boy !

So, I've started living in Budhanwada (or Dudhiya, Geedhan, Utka) , a small village near my maternal town Deori. My uncle does farming in 25 acres here and I've taken around 2 acres of it to just experiment. I've already planted lot of trees in this 2 acres as it is monsoon season, supposedly good for plantation.

I've taken some money from my dad to get started. I needed fencing (as the area is heavily populated with goats, wild boars) and some other things to get started. (like books ! ! ).

Now I am not a farmer, I am not a village bred. But that's what I am trying to be now. Actually, it all started with the previous experiment of Gaddige, where I really felt that living close to nature, in natural rhythm can actually be quite amazing and provide depth to life. It also solves lot of issues like health, overweight, environment carbon foot print etc..

I also learnt that planting more trees is quite a positive act not only for me but also for nature and environment. Things are not easy. I do not yet have a decent place to stay, i plan to stay in a small tent for sometime. My uncle uses lot of pesticides and fertilizers. My family is quite bewildered with my eccentricities. Local villagers are puzzled and making stories. Overall, its fun and exciting.

However,I often remind myself - why am I here and what am I doing ? I am here because i wanted a life of fulfillment for myself and help to society. It's so easy to get lost in everyday buzz that we loose sight of higher, original vision.

That's Budhanwada - Dudiya ! 180 KM from Bhopal,
150 from Jabalpur

I am living on my Dad's money as of now. (sometimes i also wonder whether this obsession with living on one's own is really because of individuality or because of arrogance an unwillingness to share) and I want to start earning money soon. Selling farm produce, opening a coaching centre are some ideas on my mind but I am taking it slow.

Sustainability becomes an obsession at times. I find myself become quite difficult to myself and to others due to my new value system which is in line with prevalent ideas of our times - sustainability, natural farming, eco friendly living, low impact etc.. While I realize the importance of all this but it is hard to remember always that all these are means to something not an end in itself.

I need to find who am I, why am I here and how should I live ! While I think i am on right path, the guiding light is quite dim. I caught myself being diverted and lost quite often.

Sometimes I feel that I've invited a lot challenges in my life for not enough good reasons. Sometimes I feel the urge to be more actively involved in social upbringing. Sometimes I feel urge to go back to my old routines and life style.

I can see that journey is on, there are many more milestones to meet. I must remind myself to keep my feets joyous and my eyes focused on the ultimate goal.

On the Road Back to Nature

Well ! that’s the name of the book I am reading right now by the Japanese Zen Farmer Fukuoka.  I’ve moved to Dudhiya (Budhanwada) near Deori hoping to take the road back to Nature both outside and my own inner nature. (assuming two are separate)

It’s been few weeks of trial run and I feel good about it. It’s lovely to live next to a mountain in a small hut with very basic facilities. Being in lap of nature is perhaps a very good first step to know oneself and the world. I’ve planted some trees randomly. I do not have any expertise on trees,plant and farming. I constantly think on my actions. Is it right to bring external trees here ? Am I doing good in true sense ? Should I Plant trees of same type together or mix them all ? What shall I do with the so called weeds ? Shall I let them be or cut them ? So on and so forth. I am learning more about natural, natueco farming and also directly learning from nature through observations and experimentation.

It’s lovely.  Slowly I plan to get my life style in rhythm of nature and settle down more sorted. Right now things are a bit scattered but I am moving towards natural order.

One thing I realize about this change of environment is that it is definitely helpful. However, our mind remains the same. It starts projecting itself in whatever environment you are. So unless there is a real change of mind, change of environment can only be a show off for self and others. My mind was earlier focused on money now I look out for getting more plants. I caught myself with the same feeling but projected differently. Luckily and gratefully, I was able to know it for myself and be aware of it.

People and situation there are quite hostile and tough especially if compared to my Gaddige /Mysore situation. But I am deliberately choosing the tougher, more frustrating and uphill path for I believe this will be my test of “sadhana” and dealing with all these things will strengthen my character and make me more realistic.

Sometimes I do wish for at least one or two of genuine admirers for what I am doing. Somebody who can say, oh yes that looks like going in right direction.  But I won’t let it be a deterrent factor.  My belief in my heart has become stronger and I will work on it. I trust nature, I want to trust more.  It’s heart breaking, frustrating and depressing to know your own mom dad do not really approve of what you do and actually think you’ve gone ashtray. It’s heart breaking to know that few friends and family who might understand you are too busy with their own struggles and life to give any word of encouragement or right advice. I feel lonely at time in spirit. But I have started developing love for my aloneness and find connections with trees, plants and birds. Man cannot be blamed. I cannot expect all this from humans given what is state of our lives. I must walk alone and enjoy every bit of it. Ekla chalo re !  J

Easy is Tough

It's quite amazing the difference in the way how i look at my life and how others do. Not surprising. This is the story of each life but to me in this moment, it just amazes a lot !

For me it's easy to live simple, not be bothered about money making, living in minimum, work with my hands into the mud, not care about the media and their agendas....to me its simple sanity, to others it is absolute insanity.

I've been trying hard to bridge it, afterall I dont want to run to Himalayas forever. I must live here in Society. I must face what people have to say but it is taking so much of my energy just to fight it ,explain, clarify that I've no time for things i really wanna do. This is a strange situation. Shall I not explain ? How would I bridge the gap then ? Will i ever be able to bridge it ? If no, then how can I live between all the people who think m mad and are constantly bombarding me with suggestions, advices and warnings ?

Is it better to runaway ? Is it fair to put myself through additional stress of this all ?

I don't know. but it does break me at times.

I don't know what wrong m doign ? I dont want to harm anyone, hurt anyone. I just want to live with my wisdom as of today and keep increasing it but this simple task has become far more complicated then opening a MNC !

As if I had less things to sort out, i've more on my plate. Today m at the crossroads, to decide what to do ? What should be my approach ? How should i handle all this ? Am I better off far ? or is it escapism ? Or is it sheer common sense to be in a conducive environment ?

I also understand that it's noone's fault. They are seeing life through glasses of their choice, just like me ! Our glasses are different ! That's it ! So what shall I do ?

Its funny and discouraging at times ! But m sure all this has a purpose, it has come to me for a better reason !

Simple Harmonic Motions - Ways of a Pendulum

Long time ! I was supposed to be heading to a village near Mysore - Gaddige for a 3 months silent spree. The idea was to explore silence and non-doing - in order to gain depth and clarity. I went there , one week was enough to realize the vastness of task I committed myself to.

I strived for first week, not allowing myself to read, write, get busy. But by second week things started to fall apart or rather become real. I slowly understood that it is not easy for me to just stop doing everything or just be silent for a long time - suddenly. All this along with my strict Satvik diet was triggering lot of things in me. It was a emotional rollercoaster ride, something that I won't be able share. But BOY ! It was something that I could never imagine or expected.

Nevertheless, i somehow pushed myself to complete a month and I wanted to run away ! and I did. I had plans to go to Bodhgaya, Varanasi, Arunachalam, Goa etc...but could only visit Arunachalam and Chennai. I came back home and since then I've stayed put here, in Bhopal. Bhopal was the other end of pendulum, i tried hard for first couple of days to maintain satvik diet, my yoga schedule, my silence and meditation - it fell apart in no time.

I quickly gained the 6KGs that I lost in 1 month of Gaddige. I became lazy, started watching TV and reading newspaper. DOing nothing at home except eating, sleeping and wasting time ! Ofcourse, it was and it is hurting.

I felt that my entire hardwork went for a toss, i feel miserable for not being able to sustain what I found valuable. But then I told myself, lets look for a permanent, long term change. Not a spree !

So I started working on it. A lot of things happened. I talked to Anand Nikentan, Sreejan, Jeevan Vidhya group. Things moved a lot but today most of it finally became useless when I decided to consider moving to Badi (town of my Grandpa).

This was a follow up from Gaddige. Couple of things which became very clear at GAddige were - I must stay in a village to be able to follow the nature's rythm and natural lifestyle. (City makes it tough if not impossible). MAy be stay closer to family and my native. I must engage in education and agriculture. I must not do any job only my own work for my livelihood. I must start something now beyond thoughts and plans.

Based on whatever I understood from the fantastic one month at Gaddige - I decided to find a place in a village near to Bhopal and start living there. Lot of logistics and financials came into picture. Worked out a deal at Barkheda (sreejan) but finally decided to head to Badi - just to remain uncomplicated. We have some land there, like any place it needs awareness, it has nature, its reachable easily. The only thing i was worried was my independence because half of the town is my relative ! Also, it comes on National highway, i was looking for something more isolated.

Nevertheless, as of today. I stand ...at the point where I am planning to move to BAdi, and just start living there - see how things evolve.

I realized that all i want is a life that supports my inner journey but i keep getting deeper into all sorts of outer circles. I just want to quickly freeze the mechanics and logistics and take care of what matters to me most !

I feel strange to have gone through from extremes of deep calmness and serenity to this upheaval and sleep. It poses a lot of questions, some clarity and some wisdom. One thing that has stayed with me and has become deeper and strengthened, is the faith in universe, in the unknown. I am moving towards home, I know, I get this feeling. Thank you is feeling that visits me whenever I am really silent.

Three questions

Who are we ? Where are we coming from ? Where are we going ?
These questions re-echoed through a documentary I watched today, which showed a painting from a French painter with these questions hidden at the corner.

It's been thirty years of my life, I am still with more questions than answers. Am I on right path ? Will I ever find answers ? Is there some fundamental mistake I am making in my approach ?

Perhaps, these are the questions which need light of a master, which is why a master has been always treasured in old times. But, I do not want to buy the view completely that only a true master can help one find answers. If that was the case, I am hopeless. I am not. I have hopes of finding answers . Finding what I am searching for.

What is this deep void in me ? Will i ever be ever to know ?

What am I to do ? So far in my life, I've tried things whichever made some sense to me. Going to a meditation camp, walking out of a rut job, living close to nature, running to Himalayas, reading Buddha. Yes, absolutely I've come some distance. I can feel that I've made some progress in the journey. But the void remains, the thirst has only gone deeper.

Am I gonna be a seeker for whole life ? Is seeking only my way of life ? Is there something wrong in pursuing a goal itself ?

What next step can I take to support the journey, rather accelerate it. Here I am, today, with the thought of going into isolation, in silence for a period. But how long will I continue these experiments ? Life long ?

I also feel an urge to finally get to a life that is not temporary, a passing phase, an one off experiment. Am I ready ? Will it make more sense to start somewhere, somehow and then find my way out or shall I wait for clarity before I take any stand ?

In either case, I'll have to decide. My next step. It'll decide the futher ones. I look upon the stars for guidance.

Time for Vanaprastha ?

So, a wonderful and happening stint in Mysore is coming to an end, rather I am bringing it to an end. So as to begin something new again. It's been a lovely stay. A very intense and useful time.

I've learnt a lot, met a lot of really interesting people, been through several moving experiences.

I feel a part of me is new, a part of me is more stable and more matured.

Last time this year, i was pondering over leaving Pathashaala and start my own journey to Himalayas. I wanted to go spend three months in deep silence and remoteness. I thought it was neccessary to foster my spiritual growth. I went to Himalayas and reality turned out quite different. My calculations of money, my imagination about finding a place, my ancticipation of my own feelings - everything was quite different from what I thought.
I came back to the world in a month after a lovely adventurous tour of Greater Himalayas. Then I thought perhaps, living in isolation is not best thing to support the spritual journey of self. One must live in the world and try to make life as one wants to. Here and Now. That's when the thought of opening my own school in a natural sorrounding in a village came to my mind.
I thought living in a village close to nature, I'll be able to grow spiritualy, contribute to society (by school) and also generate my livelihood. It'll be a long term stable solution. As my dream of school started to take shape into reality, a lot of my notions got challenged. I realized the real challenges of today's education system of which school is just one small part. I learnt that one the school in itself is a huge responsibility that demands clarity, patience and collaboration, two education can take place only when we also work with teachers ,parents and society , only schools are quite impotent to bring any social change. To get rooted in reality, I decided to visit various schools and educational leaders. That's when I visited Shikshantar, Sidh and many other schools - Arivu being one of them.

I found Arivu was giving me the perfect oppurtunity. Here I could run it as if its my own school, I had all the authority, all the support and all the freedom. I took on the challenge, worked with it for a period of 5 months now and grew by leaps and bound. My fundas about education got more clearer and stronger. The people of Mysore are amongst the most friendly, matured and compassionate beings I've met in recent times. My life was beautiful here. Living close to a lake, close to nature, yet not too far from city. I had a salary for meeting my basic needs and friends and family visiting often. I had time to meditate, go for long walks or holidays, play guitar and do whatever I wanted to.

Ah ! then why do I want to move on ?

In my previous blog I wrote about how, whatever we want solutions to , our mind and being is capable of getting it. My involvement here in Arivu, put me to test. I would think of solutions to problems of Arivu and it was an endless process because we had an "ideal" school in our minds. Whatever we do, we always fell short of the perfection. I refused to settle for less than that. Result ? I was deeply into work, thinking about it almost all the time and I found myself in a bubble again. This bubble was much better than earlier ones but a bubble nevertheless. I started loosing sight of bigger picture, starting getting lost in daily routine and new habits.

Secondly, I learnt one very important lesson about clarity. I learnt we are all confused. I've met so many experts from all the fields, I find them confused. Ofcourse, I am finding myself more confused too. We are all confused. We are all operating in our lives in that confusion and thus the results are more or less disappointing at the end of the journey.

I learnt that I cannot do anything truly valuable, positive or harmless unless I am clear. What do I mean by clarity ? Clarity to me is to know what I am doing, Why am I doing it and what effect will it have on people, nature, society and existence. With this definition, I am really totally lost !

So now? I am striving for clarity. Do I need to leave the place for it ? May be not ! But the experiment from last year and my learnings from this year make me ready for new more informed decision. I want to live in isolation now for sometime, I am assuming it to be at least a year. Close to nature, where silence is not abnormal. How would it help me ? I think first i'll help me break the pattern, it'll give me time to brood over all that I've learnt done so far.

I'll shift my priority to my spiritual quest and I am sure my mind and being will find some way out. I've given 4 years of my life to engineering, many years to schooling , I think givin one year to nothing but living makes sense.

It's gonna be tough for sure. I can already sense nervousness in me. What if I aagain fall back, what if it doesn't help, what if something unexpected happen and I go mad, what if all this is just escapism ?

Nevertheless, I am quite determined about it to try this one. The beginning of clarity is here now. I am clear that I want clarity, I want answers to my questions and this is how I think right now, I can do it.

I could be wrong ! I am ready for the mistakes while my heart hopes for a miracle.

Elephant and the question

As I learn more about various parts of elephant of reality, i realize how everybody else is so focussed only on their part of reality. I've met so many people in recent times whom I admired or looked upto, only to realize that all of them are looking at one part of elephant and assuming it to be the only reality. It scares me !

It scares me because I don't want to be like that. I can't imagine a more dangerous situation than not knowing complete reality and yet not realizing it. I can't imagine how detrimental it'll be to assume that what I know is the right thing and everything else is wrong ! (to be polite, "less right" )
But that's what is happening.

What scares me even more is that all these people are very introspective and reflective and yet they do not realize their flaw in understanding reality. Could it be me ? At this moment, assuming my reality to be complete ? It scares me ! Makes me more wary !

How do I see the elephant in its fullness ? This is one key question in my life right now.

There is another thought, I am learning that our mind is actually a problem solving or question answering machine ! It has immense capacity. We give it a question and if we persist with it , we are sure to get the answer. So many scientist, researchers, monks, managers, leaders have persisited with their quest and their mind (using it broadly including experience, thoughts and intution) found the answer.

So, the bottomline is "if we have a question and we persist, we will find an answer". This brings to the second part, "what question do I want to persist with ? "
To find a solution to "education" and problem of schooling ?
to find a solution to social issues of our world ?
To find the reality of our world and my being ?

Which is the question, is my question !