Here I am, no excuses to survive. I've got a very silent place, not too demanding job, lot of free time, very healthy and comfortable life style and I am still looking for sometime in future.
I am slowly realizing that my search for truth is a search
for recognition in disguise and this feeling is quite painful and difficult to accept. How subtle can be the ways of self ? All this while I was thinking that I am true spiritual seeker , unconcerned with worldly and materialistic pleasure. Here I am where I see enlightenment as a beautiful message for my facebook status to show off ! Heights ? No, there is lot more to it. I want to meditate to be different , thankfully not many people meditate. My decisions in life have been shaped largely by this feeling of "being different".I've been entirely confused about my true calling and my calling for being different. Did I do social work because almost all my friends wanted to do corporate job ? Did I do all these meditations just because none of my friend does it so much - hence making me special and different. What's more ? My trick seem to be working.
Today, I am established as a different person. Many people call me rebel, eccentric and all those lovely adjectives. Fuh, some accomplishment after all these years of drama.
Here I am now, as confused as I was , as unintelligent as I was - Just got better in pretending. I actually wish someone could read this blog someday and appreciate my honesty of expressing myself. Hahaha...! That's the extent I wish to be recognized and known.
All this while ,I feel I've been a pseudo self. I still am a pseudo personality. I guess I know the way out but it's just that I really, deeply don't want to come out of it. Superficially, yes I am still gonna try to be more authentic.
