It's fun to be voilent & the reasons of war

I may talk about non-violence or I may sing praises of Mahatma Gandhi. I might even consider myself a pro-peace person and react against violence in the world today.
But the fact remains which I can not deny, I am a violent man. I enjoy being violent.

I've been avoiding fights for long not because I am a calm and composed soul that medidates but partly because of fear and partly because I wanted to avoid those high disturbed moment that fights and violence bring. But then a deeper look tells me , its fun too.

Recently, I had a fight. I was drunk and I am really not sure if I'd have reacted the same way if I wasn't. I saw a guy beating a girl and I thrashed that guy. I became a hero overnight. Everybody who saw told me you are a braveheart. You stood by the right. You are a true hero.

I am enjoying the limelight - See the first benefit of being violent - You get noticed. Possitively or negatively, but violence gets you noticed. No one talks about the peaceful guy in the class, no one talked about me when I was peaceful. Is it because I stood for violence for right reasons ?

I think, its violence itself. Add to it that it is for a so called "good" reason, you get all the attention you always wanted.

My boring Life suddenly gained excitement. We all have so much to talk about. I've myself recited that story tens of times to my friend and each time is equal fun.

That's the second benefit of being violent - Your life becomes exciting.

Then, because I didn't get beaten up. I was the one who thrashed the other chap, it boosts my ego. My shoulders have broaden up few inches in few minutes. The third benefit of being violent - it fulfills your ego.

Lastly, it relieves you of tension and frustration. Some other tensions were relieved through this incidence. So yet another benefit - It's stress reliever.

The four reasons above, make violence really fun especially if you have the upper hand. I feel strange to discover this reality of my self. But that's what I am.

Is it right ? Is it wrong ? I'd just say - I don't know.

But it sure tells me, why do we have so many wars on this planet. War benefits masses as fights/quarrels benefits individuals. We support violence in a way that we might not realize. All said and done, I agree that its fun to be violent but its even more funny to be really calm sitting by the beach watching a beautiful sunset on a winter evening.

Aiming to be aimless

Life is at a critical stage. I've decided not to go for job, not to go for any organized business. I've decided to be aimless. I've decided to be workless. While I am excited about it, I am nervous too.

What will I do when I don't do anything ? How will the times ahead be ?
Am I doing this out of some sort of reaction or is it an authentic action ?

Is this right ? ....list is endless of such question.

But I am happy that I am taking a path less travelled.
I am happy that I am not taking the path that most of people take.

Is that the only inspiration ? What if I go nowhere !

Nevertheless, it is an immense time for me.

Let's see what is in the store...

Concious or Unconcious !

I've been meditating for quite sometime now and I've learnt the value of being aware and conscious of our own thoughts and action. It has a beauty and peace of a different quality.

I've also been experiencing the other side of life - unconsciousness - alcohol, smoke, hash etc.. Recently to my Goa trip - I finally tried what is called perhaps the biggest drug - LSD or Acid as they call in the drugs world. This has its own fun and ecstasy.

After all this, I was walking on the Arambol beach and I wonder which life is to be lived ? Which is better ?

There is nothing wrong in being drug addict. Its a lovely world. You enjoy, you get amazing experiences. All it does is harm your mind and body - which is a personal decision one should choose to trade off.

But I am biased towards the first half, may be because this is the general perception. Meditation is superior to drug, drugs are cooler than meditation.

So, it confuses me further. What I'd leave this thought for now is both are perfectly fine. I am not going to be against drugs, not going to be into drugs, not going to be into meditation, not going to be out of meditations.

I am gonna try both. It has been years that I've tried these drugs and now I am planning to give a serious shot at meditation. I've never meditated for more than fews days, a week at max. I'll be signing up for a 3 months residential programme at Osho Commune International Pune starting Dec'09.

Let's see if I learn more things about life, till then I stay confused.

Why I hate being helped ?

I hate being helped, I hate being cared for.
I don't want people to show their care for me.
The reason is simple - I think most people do it as a favor, they do it so that I feel thankful - but I don't !

When I don't feel thankful towards them, they feel hurt ! " We did so much for you, and you ? "

Forgive me, I can't be kind and formal. You help me, if you wish to. Don't expect anything. But people do expect at least a feeling of greatness ! Wow ! what a good person I am !

They help, just to avoid feeling guilty. If they don't help others, they'll feel guilty especially if the other person is from family or friends.

I hardly feel thankful, so I avoid getting any kind of help or care from others, even if I am extremely sick !

Ofcourse, there is also a pinch of ego in this - not to bow in front of anyone for help. But I find it quite healthy !

But - I enjoy being cared by my Mom, she expects no thanks ! and that's why I enjoy it !

She'd just do whatever she wants to without any expectations. There is no bondage on me too, to say thanks or feel thankful - it a normal human relation.

If I feel like helping you - where is the question of thanks and thankfulness ?
I am doing this with my own wish - if you feel thankful that's your wish but it shouldn't be a mandate for help - which is always !

We might not realize it, or it might be just hidden deep down. But we all just help to feel great !

The simplest prove is - "Why do we feel hurt when the person we helped, does something unpleasant to us ? " The main reason is that , because we helped him/her, we expected him/her to be servile ! We are hurt coz he/she reacted opposite to our expectations !

Seek no help ! Do no Help ! Unless you got no expectations !

To be something or Not to be !

One constant tension and stress that I go through is the urge to be someone ! I always find myself running towards an undefined goal and in deep hurry.

Why is that we all want to be someone, want to make it big in life ?
Why does our society appreciate merit ? Why can't we just exist as we are ?
Why is that we want our kids to be great ?


These are just few more question that add to my confusion about life and I find myself broken and torned.
I always imagine a Shashi who is respected and looked upto. Without that, I feel I do not exist at all.

Just the other day, I made a stupid mistake the class. Something that only a big fool would make. I confused Public listed companies with Public sector organization. Sure No for an MBA / Entrepreneur.

It made me feel miserable. I felt that it was a thunder from the blue. Why ? I realized that I am just an image in eyes of my classmater. If they don't approve of me. I am nothing. May be that's why I want to see maximum approval by making it big in life.

We are just images in eyes of others. We exist not an individuals but as a collection. I wonder if that is the way to be.

Nevertheless, I just wonder if only this urge in me to be something , to make it really big in life, to get all the attention of the world - vanishes. MY LIFE AT THIS MOMENT would be so relaxing and enjoyable.

The Ugliest form of Politics : Relationship

At first the title of this post appears to be quite rude and upsetting but it has lot of truth in it.
Any relationship is very political at a very subtle level. Sometimes we know it, sometimes we don't, sometimes we neglect it and sometimes we think its just natural way to relate.

Any relationship will have a dominant figure and he/she will exploit the other. This guy/gal will always have the upper hand and can play with moods/emotions of the other.

The other person will usually accept this too without lot of complaints (unless both have huge ego, in which case relationship wouldn't go long.)

Every relationship is a kind of exploitation of the other. We might accept it or not. We might realize it or not but sooner or later a relationship is bound to turn highly political and manipulative.

What to say, what not to say ? How to convince and how to fool ? How to please and How to get things done ? and so many other things are running at a very cunning rate in both minds.

I feel guilty of exploiting my partners - most of them and got exploited to certain extend in one case.
Its strange but exploiting other has a very sadistic pleasure, it tells you that you are powerful and you are stronger. It belittles other and reduces them to a puppet of your wish and mood.

That's true as far as my experience goes.

Having said that, I must also put forward my experience (tiny puny only) but where a relationship can be a huge blessing and most beautiful thing in the world.
But it requires immense intelligence, understanding, patience and personal sacrifices which no one wants to take care of.

I wish I become matured enough to relate in true sense not in political sense.

I love you politically.

Being Good is Bad

It is a nice realization to say the least that being good is really bad.
This ain't a fancy statement to crowd up my blog. As if I care.
This is just a truth. Let me explain little bit.

When I am good, its never absolute - all it means that I am majorly good and minorly bad. Say for e.g. 70% of me and my acts are good and 30% bad.
Similarly for someone who is bad, all it means is he/she is 70% bad but still 30% good.
No absolute good or bad exists. ( You may test this statement anywhere, anytime and for anyone. The only exception could be some saint or mystic - may be.)

Being majorly good is bad because its gives you immense power to be bad without being guilty.

If I am usually benevolent and love everyone, I can hurt someone - without feeling guilty- once in a while.

If I am usually calm, I can get angry and still not feel that I did something wrong.

It happened to me, My image in public and hence my image for myself is that I am a good person. One who is a good friend and a good son, good brother etc...
This gave me power to behave really bad to one of my very close friend. I almost hurt her, almost abused her and almost insulted her to lowest level possible.

On the top of it, I did not feel guilty or that I was wrong - coz I am majorly good.
Even she did not feel much offended coz I am majorly good.
Even my friends did not disapprove of my acts - coz I am majorly good.

Being good, give you power to be bad.
Anyone who is good would love to be bad and this bad is worse coz there is no guilt and no realization that something wrong has been done.

Being bad on the other hand, inspires bad people to do something good.
Hence you'd find that cruel people will occasionally, randomly do something good and feel happy.

I feel that being good is bad as it gives you power to hurt someone else or belittle them without being guilty.

If one wants to be good in real sense, he needs to give up the sense of goodness within himself and in others. Let just things be. Let me try if I can do this.

Fear Or Love ?

I am unable to define whether I am in love or in fear with life.
Why is that I can not slap the other without thinking when having a quarrel ?
What is that even if someone behaves irresponsibly to my girl friend or my friend I do not react unless its highly provocative ?

I feel the fear of fights and of violence.
and i also feel helpless because I don know what's right and what's wrong.

Why is that I try to avoid any situation that might lead to violence instead of facing it ?
Why is that many people I have seen do not think twice before indulging into a fight ?
Am i a coward and others brave ?

Then there is other side to this fear of mine, the love side - the non-voilence side.

I believe in non-violence ! ( I do or is it a way to hide my fear of voilence ?)
I feel for the other person as well and understand that he is also a human being full of angst and misery. ( Is this also a way just to avoid facing my fear of voilence ? )
When some one else behaves in a wrong way to my friend, I just think that he is behaving this way because he is sick or not in right state of mind. I can not react because I know I could have done the same thing as well if I was in his place.

I remain confused with so many things in my life - whether is love or is a hidden fear ?

When I try to maintain good relationships with all people and the people in power - is it that I am a good man or is it a fear to go against power and people ?

I think its fear ! I also think that its certain intelligence in me which introduces this fear - for no fight is worth a drop of blood.

I just wish that people in this world behave responsibly , intelligently and instead of wasting life in creating an insecure society - work towards creating a society that is a symbol of peace and harmony. ( Is this a wish - or fear of insecure society ? )

The ugly game of proving yourself - that's life !

Ever wondered what are we trying to do all our life ?
Prove ourself ! to parents , to friends, to world and to our own self !
As if we are a theorem to be proved !

I don know about you - that's how I have been living.
I had to study and get good grades so that my parents believe that I am good.
I had to work hard to get a good job and a good salary so that I can prove to the world that I am good.
I had to be loving in a relation so that I can prove to the opposite sex that I can love and I am a nice guy.
I had to start my own venture in my college to prove to my collegues and to myself that I can do what I decide to
I had to take strange decisions in life to prove myself that I am different.
I had to help others, be good to others - so that I can prove to others that I am good human being.

I had to laugh when I feel like crying so that I can prove that I am happy go lucky and a person who lives life to the fullest

I had to cry to prove that I am sensitive
I had to shout to prove that I am a rebel
I had to write this blog so as to prove to the readers that I am something - I am a good thinker and a good writer.
I had to learn guitar, learn japanese, do dance to prove that I am a multi-facet personality !

Life is just an ugly game where we just keep proving ourselves to someone else or to our own self !

Is it necessary ? Are we all just a dead theorem ?

I decide not to be a theorem anymore !

Life (noun) [lyhf] : A journey in confusion

I was trying to find a meaning to the word "life" and the best I could find was "A journey in confusion".

To me life is just a confusion. I wonder if I could ever find my answer to questions as :-

1.) Why am I here ?
2.) Should I be working towards my selfish motive ?
3.) Or Shall I be working for the benefit of humanity and the poor kid at the square ?
4.) Shall I be in a relationship ? Or am I better off alone ?
5.) Shall I study this subject or that ?
6.) Shall I behave this way or that ?
7.) Is the way I am living - right ?
8.) Is the way they live - wrong ?
9.) What is the purpose of life ?
10.) Shall I follow them ?
11.) Shall I be worried about my family and devote my life to them ?
.
.
.
Endless is the list.

I wonder if you are also one among the crowd who would quickly give me an answer for my confusions.

But because I am confused, I've not been able to find a single person who is not.

Everyone according to me is confused about something or the other.
Of course, there are those focused folks that appear to be unconfused.
But the moment you take a closer look at them, you'll either just find that they are just slightly less confused than you and that's why appear unconfused Or they have just stopped thinking.

To me it seems life has two ways to be lived - Live with your confusion or STOP thinking.

If you are thinking and thinking intelligently, I don't know how you can't be confused.

If you think in the real sense - you are bound to get confused.
And as we think almost 24X7 - we live in confusion.

I wonder if i've just added to your confusion but I guess I made my point about the actual definition of "Life".

Eternally Ecstatically Confused
-shashi

Happy New Year - Stop Fooling

I really wonder what's a Happy new year.
31st Dec is as good / bad as 1st Jan.
Our miseries are same, Our joys are same, Our pains are same.
Whats this fuzz about "Happy New year".

Does it has any more value than just few fre holidays and false new year resolutions ?

Stop fooling. Its just all the same.
No - I am not Anti-celebration.

Celebrate. But why a partiality about 31st Dec night 11:59 ???
If we can not celebrate everyday, what's the point in celebrating one strange day ?
If we can celebrate whenever we wish to, what's the point of celebrating new year ?

I think we need to let go of all these great celebrations under stupid reasons.

Each day is equally special like a 31st.
Those who celebrate only 31st should understand that it is just an escape from routine.

Afterall, it just another year- God damn it !