It's been long. I've been doing everything that came to my mind to support the "unknown" and "unclear" vision inside me. Over the time ,I 've grown more uncertain than being certain, more questions have come than answers. Here, today I stand at a stage where I've quit my job and given my life - yet another chance to rewrite my future !
I've tried all that my mind suggested- worked in corporate living lavishly, working in social sector - living consciously, living in a village, travelling without purpose in search of a place to belong, in search of a master ! Almost 30 years have gone by and I stand at a strange point in my life.
The feeling of not belonging here, the feeling of something being terribly wrong with the world , something very essential missing in me ! - has grown , deepened.
There have not been much achievement in the worldly sense but inside this immense restlessness is my award of taking paths I took.
Utterly unsure, unclear and uncertain - there are few things which I have realized and would lay stones for my future actions.
First - I am convinced at least to a large extent that - all this visible drama that goes on in this world be it poverty or the prevention of it ,be it corruption or striving to be honest , be it saving the planet or causing hollocaust !- all seems a tiny negligible illusion in the whole cosmic drama !
Secondly, the way out perhaps is only Spirituality and study of self. Spirituality is the only thing that I've not got enough of or have got cynical of. There is something that all these mystics are talking about. From Gurdjieff of 1900s to Krishna's Geeta - thousands of years old - there is a lot that remains common, there is a lot that makes perfect sense in theory.
Thus, the only way forward for me is to study myself and leave everything behind. To bring a revolution not outside but inside. To totally experiment - without fear - risking my life, risking failure, risking not finding anything at the end of it all.
However even this shift is huge. For now, it calls for me to really do it. I've lived with this theory and idea for a long time and just because it was a distant possiblity - I kept living my life in my own funny ways with eyes on the carrot beyond.
I think now I've reached the carrot. Now I just need to grab it. Now is the time to do something about all that I've been thinking ,hearing, feeling and the only thing that is worth doing is doing "nothing" - for that is the way to clarity and meaning in life.
I've tried all that my mind suggested- worked in corporate living lavishly, working in social sector - living consciously, living in a village, travelling without purpose in search of a place to belong, in search of a master ! Almost 30 years have gone by and I stand at a strange point in my life.
The feeling of not belonging here, the feeling of something being terribly wrong with the world , something very essential missing in me ! - has grown , deepened.
There have not been much achievement in the worldly sense but inside this immense restlessness is my award of taking paths I took.
Utterly unsure, unclear and uncertain - there are few things which I have realized and would lay stones for my future actions.
First - I am convinced at least to a large extent that - all this visible drama that goes on in this world be it poverty or the prevention of it ,be it corruption or striving to be honest , be it saving the planet or causing hollocaust !- all seems a tiny negligible illusion in the whole cosmic drama !
Secondly, the way out perhaps is only Spirituality and study of self. Spirituality is the only thing that I've not got enough of or have got cynical of. There is something that all these mystics are talking about. From Gurdjieff of 1900s to Krishna's Geeta - thousands of years old - there is a lot that remains common, there is a lot that makes perfect sense in theory.
Thus, the only way forward for me is to study myself and leave everything behind. To bring a revolution not outside but inside. To totally experiment - without fear - risking my life, risking failure, risking not finding anything at the end of it all.
However even this shift is huge. For now, it calls for me to really do it. I've lived with this theory and idea for a long time and just because it was a distant possiblity - I kept living my life in my own funny ways with eyes on the carrot beyond.
I think now I've reached the carrot. Now I just need to grab it. Now is the time to do something about all that I've been thinking ,hearing, feeling and the only thing that is worth doing is doing "nothing" - for that is the way to clarity and meaning in life.
