Few thoughts, first I think I have successphobia, for I look
back into my life – I’ve quit my job/work just at the moment when I started
becoming successful in that field, just when I can smell success, just when I
can see the heydays coming my way, I prefer to walk in other direction. It has
been so with all my jobs. I quit just when things were starting to look easy
and controllable. Perhaps, I hate control and love the randomness and chaos.
Undoubtedly, if only I’d have stayed in anything I was doing – be it my first
job as engineer or second as manager in non-profit or the last one as an
alternative school teacher – I must have gained lot of financial and
professional stability. Here I am, with no money in hand, experience good for
nothing and standing right where I began.
But tell you what, I don’t regret it. I think my heart is
taking me to right directions, and that it’s ways are unconventional only makes
my faith stronger. I am asking myself these questions and I realize that I
don’t want to arrive in first place, I don’t want lot of money either. All I
hanker at this stage of my life is – a easy life where there is music, dance,
celebration and a lot of spiritual growth. A lifestyle where each day I am
approaching my answer. Where each day I am learning to live more really,
naturally and intensely. However in the very seeking of this simplicity, my
life stands in centre of instability and chaos.
The situation is rather queer. I know lot of skills but I
just don’t know what to do with them and I know none of them to mastery. I can
play decent guitar, make some silly movies, speak publicly with authority,
teach with effectiveness, plan and ideate with spontaneity, help seek solutions
to issues, make good teams and be good team member, lead when necessary, think
critically sufficiently, write sensibly so on. However I am master of none and
there is no skill that is top favourite of mine. I enjoy each one at a
different time or mood. Hence, the question accentuates – what am I ? Should i
take my guitar skills to next level or should i explore my writing skills ?
Should I continue teaching or should I work in team ?
Can I not be an expert and still earn a livelihood and
contribute positively to society ? I see very few such examples and this
sometimes both motivates and demotivates me.
Nevertheless, I do feel little lost and all over the place
but certainly this doesn’t mean I am lost. Here is a perfect song to accompany
this blog. J
