The pain of Heroes .....

 

I always used to wonder why a Gandhi that revolutionized the entire world, one man who awakened the entire nation - someone who everyone looked upto, couldn't bring about much change to his own son ? 

Recently, why Ambani's son is nowhere close to what Ambanis were....the list is almost endless. 

Why most of the heroes of past , of our times have had tough time gaining respect and acceptance amongst the people closest to them ? 

Personally, what hundreds people in my circle look upto me for, what I am able to convince a larger audience for - is almost an utter failure at home. I can perhaps give an extra-ordinary lecture, workshop , insta reel on education, organic food, sustainable lifestyles etc.. while almost opposite of all that I am propagating continues to happen at my own home, in front of my own eyes, by my very own people. 

It's painful, frustrating at times and often makes one feel absolutely defeated inspite of the certificates of triumphs from the rest of the world, 

Yet, I see this has a very strong purpose to serve. One it doesn't let anyone grow to feel like God. It keeps people like us who claim to be heroes in some sense, in reality check. It keeps us grounded. Also, at the end of it, it helps us not to attach too much to the cause and become almost fundamentalist  - which is very dangerous. 

Life's processes are full of compassion and it always makes sense in larger canvas and longer time space. 

The position of a father

 

I must admit that amongst the various hats that I am juggling with - organic farmer, educator, editor, videomaker, app maker etc...role of being a father is the one taking the most time and energy and it is definitely the trickiest one. 

The rope that a father has to walk on is very tight - you are being a role model, a teacher, a friend, a tough tutor , a boundary maker, a need fulfiller, a pamperer etc - all at the same time. While you are playing all these roles which has long lasting impact on your child - you also need to manage your own emotional and spiritual well-being and ups and downs. 

Today, I hit my elder child for him being rude to her aunt and for not listening to what adults were saying. Further when I ordered him to come back to me to discuss the issue, he ran away to another room saying  - I will still eat it. ( the whole debate was around eating a tablet that he wanted to eat and which his aunt said not to). I was already agitated today and when this happened - snap ! I lost it. I went to the room, took him to a corner and hit him on his head (slapped) as he put both his hands up protecting his face and bending down. Head is all I could hit upon. I hit quite hard - two to three times and then I locked him up in the bathroom with lights off. As he cried inside, I walk restlessly outside the bathroom - meeting all my dilemmas. Why did I hit ? If I did not hit , how would he understand that this not the way to deal with adults ? But does hitting really helps ? Such a poor small child, why do I have to be so angry on him > May be I must learn to handle my own anger ! No, as a father I must discipline him and at times you need to be strict and tough. so on and so forth

I felt like crying , like locking myself in a room or to run away somewhere. Here is a father - not knowing how to deal a situation. Here is a father, he himself has issues to resolve within. Fuh, quite tough. Quite sad. 

Soon, I released him explaining to him why I hit him which was mainly a justification for my hitting him. "See, I hit you because you made serious mistake and if you do so , I shall hit you ! " 

If I don't hit, and telling and explaining doesn't work  - how do we handle a situation where child crosses the line ? may be hitting won't work either , making things worse. May be it will work ? For some it has - the fear of getting beaten up for mistakes helps them avoid mistakes. I've seen people still loving their elders inspite of beating. Does it justify beating ? 

I don't want to loose the connection, the love we share. But I don't know how to handle many situations like these. and Deva is very strong personality, confident, rational, logical, unafraid ! - a strong child. At times, I run out of ideas to meet a situation, not doing anything also looks like a bad option , as the message goes to child in that case is also not good. The balance is what I need to find. I don't know if I ever will.

For now, this pain in me to go and apologize to him, hug him, kiss him and still not able to do be able to do it, is what is killing me. May be that's my part of the punishment.