Long time ! I was supposed to be heading to a village near Mysore - Gaddige for a 3 months silent spree. The idea was to explore silence and non-doing - in order to gain depth and clarity. I went there , one week was enough to realize the vastness of task I committed myself to.
I strived for first week, not allowing myself to read, write, get busy. But by second week things started to fall apart or rather become real. I slowly understood that it is not easy for me to just stop doing everything or just be silent for a long time - suddenly. All this along with my strict Satvik diet was triggering lot of things in me. It was a emotional rollercoaster ride, something that I won't be able share. But BOY ! It was something that I could never imagine or expected.
Nevertheless, i somehow pushed myself to complete a month and I wanted to run away ! and I did. I had plans to go to Bodhgaya, Varanasi, Arunachalam, Goa etc...but could only visit Arunachalam and Chennai. I came back home and since then I've stayed put here, in Bhopal. Bhopal was the other end of pendulum, i tried hard for first couple of days to maintain satvik diet, my yoga schedule, my silence and meditation - it fell apart in no time.
I quickly gained the 6KGs that I lost in 1 month of Gaddige. I became lazy, started watching TV and reading newspaper. DOing nothing at home except eating, sleeping and wasting time ! Ofcourse, it was and it is hurting.
I felt that my entire hardwork went for a toss, i feel miserable for not being able to sustain what I found valuable. But then I told myself, lets look for a permanent, long term change. Not a spree !
So I started working on it. A lot of things happened. I talked to Anand Nikentan, Sreejan, Jeevan Vidhya group. Things moved a lot but today most of it finally became useless when I decided to consider moving to Badi (town of my Grandpa).
This was a follow up from Gaddige. Couple of things which became very clear at GAddige were - I must stay in a village to be able to follow the nature's rythm and natural lifestyle. (City makes it tough if not impossible). MAy be stay closer to family and my native. I must engage in education and agriculture. I must not do any job only my own work for my livelihood. I must start something now beyond thoughts and plans.
Based on whatever I understood from the fantastic one month at Gaddige - I decided to find a place in a village near to Bhopal and start living there. Lot of logistics and financials came into picture. Worked out a deal at Barkheda (sreejan) but finally decided to head to Badi - just to remain uncomplicated. We have some land there, like any place it needs awareness, it has nature, its reachable easily. The only thing i was worried was my independence because half of the town is my relative ! Also, it comes on National highway, i was looking for something more isolated.
Nevertheless, as of today. I stand ...at the point where I am planning to move to BAdi, and just start living there - see how things evolve.
I realized that all i want is a life that supports my inner journey but i keep getting deeper into all sorts of outer circles. I just want to quickly freeze the mechanics and logistics and take care of what matters to me most !
I feel strange to have gone through from extremes of deep calmness and serenity to this upheaval and sleep. It poses a lot of questions, some clarity and some wisdom. One thing that has stayed with me and has become deeper and strengthened, is the faith in universe, in the unknown. I am moving towards home, I know, I get this feeling. Thank you is feeling that visits me whenever I am really silent.
