And life takes a UZQ turn !

Life has taken some really very unexpected turns. I never wanted complexities my life has become quite complicated. I never wanted to get married, marriage seems the only respite. I never wanted to be unfair or hurting to my parents and my family, there seems to be no other way. I never wanted to let go of the silence inside, it seems to be slipping away. I never wanted to deal with lot of social issues and I stand in middle of most of them today !

One of the biggest change that i foresee is my marriage. I never wanted marriage for numerous reasons - it complicates life, it reduces your freedom and it kills love being the 3 top ones among other a dozen. I am in a situation where marriage seems inevitable.

I am unable to imagine how will it change my life. I think i am too naive to consider that it'll not change my life to a very large extent. Only time will tell. But this is a huge shift ! I dont know what would it mean.

I still don't want to get married, the only reason i'd get married is that if it is the only option i have to do other things that i want to do or it seems just ! and in this moment, both are true.

In midst of all these changes, i have decided to keep my focus on the things that matter more. Marriage or anything for that matter is only important if we consider it important. I have decided to defocus myself from most of the problems or conflicts i am facing. I am gonna focus on the larger vision for my life and myself which is - finding purpose of my existence, knowing where do i really belong and making most of life to make this world a better place.

Its been quite a ride, all these years and sometime i look back on my life - i can see it so clearly. I can make a very interesting movie on it ! (btw did i tell ya that i started learning movie making and bought a dslr months back ? )

At the end of the i feel fortunate and grateful for all that has been sent my way by the existence. She knows better than me what I need ! I'll keep this faith and trust in existence and let go !

Love and Peace

Comparision Machine : Shashi Bhushan Singh

As I continue discovery of my darker corners I realize that I am a comparison machine and a very efficient one. I continuously compare things, people, experiences and the best part – I know how to hide it and appear as a person beyond the futile childish comparing human mind. So, if you see me from outside I’ll appear quite contented and not bothered about comparison with others but inside my mind acts like a comparison machine almost always.

I also realize that now I am in comparision version 3.0 or something. In my old days Comparision 1.0 ,I used to compare my cloths with guys of my age, with the actor in movies, with tom cruise. I used to compare my bike, car and other things. Then I realized that this is very mundane. I need an edge even in comparison. So, comparison in comparison itself.

So I moved to Comparision 2.0 where I raised my levels. Here I no longer compare cloths and other material things. They are for the mediocre. Now I compare, lifestyles, level of intelligence, perspectives and way of looking at things. I know the art to appear to be so unbiased and nice and humble but deep inside in very subtle ways I am always comparing and devising very very cunning ways to somehow gain the upper edge.

Comparison doesn’t stop at comparing, I want to conquer and have the upper edge. Thankfully I’ve got some good reasoning skills and logical thinking which I often use to gain this upper edge.

Quite often my life is driven by the feeling of comparison. “Ok, so that guy who I considered stupid is also doing the same corporate job and is earning almost as good as me. What the hell ? How can I gain an edge over him ?”

Aha ! Make him look stupid. Shun corporate world and join social sector and there you’ve an upper edge on most of the competitors. Great !

Now, I am in Comparison 3.0 where I’ve deepened my comparisons. Now I compare how good am I at love making, how can I make people feel, how I can gain the spiritual experiences that would give me an edge.

This comparison is continually inside. When I am at work, as I come across a blog on education – I immediately either wanna refute it, counter it with a really sound argument so that I get an edge or If I can’t do it. I’ll make it a part of me – so equals but not greater than me !

Absurdity personifies when I do it in relationships. I compare size of my dick with the size of dick of my girl friend’s ex boy friend. I compare if I make better love than all the ex boy friends of my lover. I compare if she is more happy with me or with him. I compare whether she loved and cared more for him or for me. I compare importance of my in someone's life to importance of others in that persons life. I am continuously comparing and through some way or other – very subtly trying to gain an upper edge. Sometimes I care, love, like, listen, support, help - all just to gain that extra importance, that extra edge. I wanna compare and I wanna be at the top.

Why am I like this ? Where did I learn to compare almost everything ? I don’t know. Perhaps education or parents. Perhaps its inbuilt in human system. But that me now ! :-)

Oh ! How great are the men who don’t compare, I wish I can get an edge over them ;-)

In love...

So I am in love ! :-)

Life has suddenly become more beautiful, more fun and more intense.

Love has always been a mystery to me. It has been a wonderful experience every time it knocked my heart's door. I feel so blessed of being able to love and be worthy of other's love.

I've been lucky to have fallen in love with some of the really wonderful women. I've been lucky enough to fall , get hurt in love, bounce back - which was such a learning and growth experience.

In short - if given a chance - inspite of all the hurts- I'd love to fall in love :-) for it makes me come more alive.

However, because of my last messed up love relation...i kinda became afraid of it and thought may be I am better off.

I learnt over time that In the name of love....a lot of "not - love" takes place. and I was no different. I also got into same rut - where love became - possession, time pass, avoiding loneliness, sex , a company to not get bored, someone who can listen to your shit and bear it...so on and so forth. "Love" per se...was not mostly present. Love which I've read , imagined and vaguely experienced...

So, I assumed there isn't a possibility of a different / truer kind of love. For, i've been in relationship with very different kind of people and almost every time the same results !

And then walks someone into my life and I dismiss all this and simply fall in love and fall in love so very differently. Is it her ? Is it that I've matured in love ? Is it right time ? Is it destiny ? Is it an illusion? I don't know ! Whatever it is - I feel blessed and ecstatic.

I am in love and I see a hope of a true love ...a different kind of relationship. If it is even 1% of what it appears to me right now - I think it'll be fantastic and a truly phenomenal ride.

I see love like never before.....I feel so much more intense....This is just awesome !

What will happen ! I have no idea ! But one thing is certain that this experience is gonna be one of the most intense , most wonderful thing that i'd ever undergo in my life ! I am excited ! I am damn happy ! I am full of life ! I am in Love !

Wind on face

I walk here on this beautiful land of ours interiors of Tamil Nadu. I wake up to a beautiful sunrise and am wished goodnight by a lovely stary sky. I do only the work I like , only how much I want. I walk freely , hardly anyone to interrupt me. I play guitar early morning and late evening. I read insightful books. I write/sing songs, poems for my beloved. I spend hours dreaming about love and life. I feel confident. No dent of negativity. I am excited about tomorrow, contented by today. I feel loved, cared. I feel respected. I feel lucky and honored. I feel talented. I feel ecstatic.

Then comes the wind from the north , touching my face in the dark still hour when every one else on this land is asleep except me ,frogs and few puppies. This wind tells me something, it bring a message from unknown saying - Still its not enough. Infact its too less. There is much ...much much more to life that all this. There is a world beyond. There is something beyond you and me. There is a lot that's invisible , incomprehensible. The mystery is immense, beauty endless. The thirst for knowing what is ....what lies at the core ...is extremely painful. I love it. I love me. I love life.

On Spree

Certainly ! As I celebrate my 28th birthday tomorrow, I have to say that I am really on a spree.
Finally I seem to be living a life I always wanted with the void inside. Things have fallen in place. I've a job that I like, I have a woman that I love, I have a family that cares and friends who are fun. What else can one ask for ? But that deep longing of something ...still remains.

After a wonderful day full of love, laughter and fun - I still feel that "something is missing" or "incomplete" feeling when I sit under the sky and look at the stars.

Inspite of everything going in my favor - I still feel distant from reality. All the ideas in my head about finding myself, of world being a maya and all the rest of it are still so alive and I want to find out the truth. Reality is what I am seeking I guess.

But the contentment of living life on my own terms, living a life thats not controlled totally by others, by society is a wonderful feeling. Although I still linger and fantasize about that "ultimate freedom" that our saints and sages have talked about.

I learn a lot and enjoy a lot with kids. I get lot of time for myself and I am really very happy with the way thing are moving. I am , for the first time, really not thinking about long future. Living the moment is very close to becoming reality soon.

However I see that I am loosing touch with my spiritual self and a more worldly self is emerging. I like this evolution though and I am hoping that it would bring that intensity that is needed to live world so as to finally be free of it :-) ! Hence I am not pushing.

Flowing with the wind, like a white cloud. Enjoying the flow of river of life....it's just fantastic. And I'd ever be grateful to the existence for all that I've been, all that I've been through, all that is and all that was.

Still groping in Dark

It's becoming quite nerving now...what is the way to live ? Why the hell even worry about a better spiritual life ?

Let us life like vegetables, yeah things are not great but not bad either. You eat, drink, enjoy sex, travel and that's it you may die ! Whats wrong with it ? If nothings wrong - why the hell I still feel incomplete and unfinished ?

My entire value system, my morals, ethics, cruelities - are under question and constant change. Sex has become on big taboo and a hurdle. Perversion is increasing. Creativity and Sensitivity is reducing ! Actually, I hardly have a clue on what's happening in my life !

I've become lazy, less interested, less firm and more aggresive !

But one thing still remains ...i am enjoying it whatsoever and still have hopes for a different future.

The Pseudo Self

Alright, wherever I was I imagined true life to be somewhere else. First, I wanted to live intensely then I wanted to live peacefully, then I wanted to serve society and then I wanted to do XYZ... In my mind there has always been a place and time in future where I'd be real me and my life would be meaningful.
Here I am, no excuses to survive. I've got a very silent place, not too demanding job, lot of free time, very healthy and comfortable life style and I am still looking for sometime in future.

I am slowly realizing that my search for truth is a search for recognition in disguise and this feeling is quite painful and difficult to accept. How subtle can be the ways of self ? All this while I was thinking that I am true spiritual seeker , unconcerned with worldly and materialistic pleasure. Here I am where I see enlightenment as a beautiful message for my facebook status to show off ! Heights ? No, there is lot more to it. I want to meditate to be different , thankfully not many people meditate. My decisions in life have been shaped largely by this feeling of "being different".

I've been entirely confused about my true calling and my calling for being different. Did I do social work because almost all my friends wanted to do corporate job ? Did I do all these meditations just because none of my friend does it so much - hence making me special and different. What's more ? My trick seem to be working.

Today, I am established as a different person. Many people call me rebel, eccentric and all those lovely adjectives. Fuh, some accomplishment after all these years of drama.

Here I am now, as confused as I was , as unintelligent as I was - Just got better in pretending. I actually wish someone could read this blog someday and appreciate my honesty of expressing myself. Hahaha...! That's the extent I wish to be recognized and known.

All this while ,I feel I've been a pseudo self. I still am a pseudo personality. I guess I know the way out but it's just that I really, deeply don't want to come out of it. Superficially, yes I am still gonna try to be more authentic.

It's a new life

After a hell lot of funfiled turbulence in my life, things seem to be getting calmer. I have finally joined a Krishnamurthy school, something that was on my mind for last 3-4 years. Right thing came at right time. A new school, just the way I wanted. Rural location, vast fields, silent walks, sunrises-sunsets, stress free work environment, space for self growth, meditative quality of life. Things look perfect and life beautiful. As I look back, I realize the courage I've shown, the risks I've taken, the journeys I've made all seem to be building blocks of a lovely life that I have today.
It feels like a rebirth, the past is in my mind but I am unable to relate to it. The future seems quite exciting. I am liking myself more and more with every passing experience, every passing day.
I am learning a lot, and one of the most important learning is that that there is yet lot to learn. How to live life, is something I've still not figured out. Yes, life is beautiful, times are exciting, days are happy but is this the way to live life and await death ?
The pursuit of true life is still on, but the happy sorrounding tend to make it slow. Nevertheless, I am trying to live zen, trying to deepen the silence and realing the love.
Thank you !

Bandwagon of Change

As if I am lost in the jungle,

drowned in hopelessness

I am burdened with delusions,

standing last in the race.

I am deprived of ideas,

to overcome the odds

Knocked the doors of heaven,

lost faith in the gods.

I am bored of those sermons,

failing to motivate my soul

I am skeptic of the heroes,

and cynical of my goal.

Don't tell me not to give up,

I've tried it enough

Don't give me another reason,

it just makes it all the more tough.

It's my time to let go,

and let the world be as "it is"

You may carry on the bandwagon,

I am not afraid to miss.

- (written on 5th day of Jagriti Yatra 2010, 30th Dec, in Train)