Just updates ...

 Hmm...been really long that I wrote here ! so just thought of saying Hi ! I wonder who would or would someone ever read all these ! Lemme write anyway ....

So, Life is good. Children are growing and it's such a pleasure to be part of that...though I often miss the moments and feel that I am often not present to them - given my other engagements. They are the joy in my life and such wonderful gift of God .....It's me who need to learn to accept and engage with them ...

Priyambada is also doing fine, she has been such a great support and I cannot thank my stars enough for sending her in my life....Children's education and my financial instability seems to be the only two factors that sometimes bring some tension between us but otherwise ...life is wonderful with her...Thank you God for her ! 

Parents, Yash, Poonam - are all doing fine - busy with their own life's challenges....To each his own....but our togetherness is still alive and I hope it stays so....! Sometimes I do wonder is it not possible that all of us live together in some nice place like the farm instead of spreading all over....but then....

Farm is doing great...I am happy and healthy....Deepening my spiritual practices. Shree Premanand Maharaj Ji has been a great blessing for me , he has brough a lot of fresh and new energy into my life with Naam Jap his way of life....I am forever grateful to Gurus that have touched my life and guided to me to be the person I am - Osho , JK, Raman Maharishi, Ramakrishna , Ksheersagar Ji Mahajar, Param Shredheya Ram sukh das ji Maharaj, Saranand ji, Akhandanand Ji, Nityanand Giri Ji Maharaj , Dharmdas Ji and Pandey to just name few I could immediately recall.....Jai Gurudev....

Finacces remain a challenge I continue to deal with them......

Life is good, I am deeply grateful and just hope that God continues to bring me closer to him...

Thank you , Love you ! 

The pain of Heroes .....

 

I always used to wonder why a Gandhi that revolutionized the entire world, one man who awakened the entire nation - someone who everyone looked upto, couldn't bring about much change to his own son ? 

Recently, why Ambani's son is nowhere close to what Ambanis were....the list is almost endless. 

Why most of the heroes of past , of our times have had tough time gaining respect and acceptance amongst the people closest to them ? 

Personally, what hundreds people in my circle look upto me for, what I am able to convince a larger audience for - is almost an utter failure at home. I can perhaps give an extra-ordinary lecture, workshop , insta reel on education, organic food, sustainable lifestyles etc.. while almost opposite of all that I am propagating continues to happen at my own home, in front of my own eyes, by my very own people. 

It's painful, frustrating at times and often makes one feel absolutely defeated inspite of the certificates of triumphs from the rest of the world, 

Yet, I see this has a very strong purpose to serve. One it doesn't let anyone grow to feel like God. It keeps people like us who claim to be heroes in some sense, in reality check. It keeps us grounded. Also, at the end of it, it helps us not to attach too much to the cause and become almost fundamentalist  - which is very dangerous. 

Life's processes are full of compassion and it always makes sense in larger canvas and longer time space. 

The position of a father

 

I must admit that amongst the various hats that I am juggling with - organic farmer, educator, editor, videomaker, app maker etc...role of being a father is the one taking the most time and energy and it is definitely the trickiest one. 

The rope that a father has to walk on is very tight - you are being a role model, a teacher, a friend, a tough tutor , a boundary maker, a need fulfiller, a pamperer etc - all at the same time. While you are playing all these roles which has long lasting impact on your child - you also need to manage your own emotional and spiritual well-being and ups and downs. 

Today, I hit my elder child for him being rude to her aunt and for not listening to what adults were saying. Further when I ordered him to come back to me to discuss the issue, he ran away to another room saying  - I will still eat it. ( the whole debate was around eating a tablet that he wanted to eat and which his aunt said not to). I was already agitated today and when this happened - snap ! I lost it. I went to the room, took him to a corner and hit him on his head (slapped) as he put both his hands up protecting his face and bending down. Head is all I could hit upon. I hit quite hard - two to three times and then I locked him up in the bathroom with lights off. As he cried inside, I walk restlessly outside the bathroom - meeting all my dilemmas. Why did I hit ? If I did not hit , how would he understand that this not the way to deal with adults ? But does hitting really helps ? Such a poor small child, why do I have to be so angry on him > May be I must learn to handle my own anger ! No, as a father I must discipline him and at times you need to be strict and tough. so on and so forth

I felt like crying , like locking myself in a room or to run away somewhere. Here is a father - not knowing how to deal a situation. Here is a father, he himself has issues to resolve within. Fuh, quite tough. Quite sad. 

Soon, I released him explaining to him why I hit him which was mainly a justification for my hitting him. "See, I hit you because you made serious mistake and if you do so , I shall hit you ! " 

If I don't hit, and telling and explaining doesn't work  - how do we handle a situation where child crosses the line ? may be hitting won't work either , making things worse. May be it will work ? For some it has - the fear of getting beaten up for mistakes helps them avoid mistakes. I've seen people still loving their elders inspite of beating. Does it justify beating ? 

I don't want to loose the connection, the love we share. But I don't know how to handle many situations like these. and Deva is very strong personality, confident, rational, logical, unafraid ! - a strong child. At times, I run out of ideas to meet a situation, not doing anything also looks like a bad option , as the message goes to child in that case is also not good. The balance is what I need to find. I don't know if I ever will.

For now, this pain in me to go and apologize to him, hug him, kiss him and still not able to do be able to do it, is what is killing me. May be that's my part of the punishment. 

किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़ - What to do ? How do I decide ?

 

I just happened to find perfect word for my current state of being - 

किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़

(KIM KARTAVYA VIMOODH)

Kim means WHAT 

Kartavya : Duty / Work 

Vimoodh : Confused ! 

What should I do ? What should be my work ? What are my duties or rightful action ? When one is confused about it , the word in sanskrit is 

किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़

I am involved in so many works that I am often over loaded and stressed. Farming, Learning Center, Family, Friends, Android App, Website, Ticketing , Gaushala, Jinan , Faketha, Cooking, Cleaning, managing etc.. None of it appears give upable ! ;-) 

So may be I should increase my capacity and feel blessed to be so useful in so many fields ! May be I should not stress and just do what needs to be done and do it well....or May be I should chuck down to 2-3 key works so that I've focussed time and free time too ! 

Don't know really ! Kim Kartavya Vimoodh ;-) 

The Dip Phase

 

Hmm....you know when a blog starts with a sigh - this is not going be a very happy one. Life seems to be suddenly so full of problems and I am absolutely clueless on what to do. Family life with parents and wife seems okay on the surface but the deeper connection is missing - the deeper sharing, the deeper understanding is missing and I don't see it being found in anytime near future. Farming is challenging as usual, I spent last 2 months in seed procuring , solar fencing, planning, mannuring and I just came from a walk in the fields - my crops look damn weak, most of them are gone ! I may need to buy daal and rice again from market. Inspite of having such a big farm , inspite of investing like crazy - I am unable to secure my very basic food. Children are a beautiful ray of hope in this entire canvass. To see them makes me happy, to be with them makes me alive. The worry is - am  I giving the right childhood to them ? Am I being a good father ? Do I need to do something more or something less ? 

Spiritually, my faith in god has been shaking. Because it has been mainly mental - realizations and experiences have not deepened - the mind thus takes over. 

Health is okay but not what I want it to be. Losing some weight , quitting smoking/drinking/junk remains a dream I chase everyday. Finances are being managed with family's support but still that 's also not in a healthy state. 

Overall , suddenly life seems dull , a losing battle. And all the places I could run and hide have also burn out. People I can deeply connect and reflect have also reduced. Yes, perhaps if I Shout for help - I may get some hands but then why shout !? I continue to walk slowly ....silently .....

My father and the farm

Happy to be alive in midst of the second covid wave. World has changed so much in last 12-15 months due to pandemic, however I am not gonna talk about it as already too much has been talked about pandemic and corona. 

What I wish to share is a milestone, a special moment of my life. In my 8 years of stay at farm so far, while my mother did visit us 8-10 times , my father did not. Not even once. While I understand his disinterest in this farm and dislike of people of this region, somewhere I did use to feel bad about it. 

Few days back, my grandmother (nani) passed away , perhaps due to covid and my mother and father decided to come to attend the funeral. Post funeral we need to take bath and the bath was planned at the farm and thus his visit was confirmed to farm for the first time in 8 years for me, 20 years for him. 

I wished I clicked more picture but these are the only two I have. the short trip was full of events and emotions. He did not like the approach road as my car could barely cross it, he did not like the houses as it him on his head, he could just appreciate only one mango tree, the pumps did not work for bathing. Overall he did not seem very impressed. Frankly, there is nothing much I have done to impress him anyway. I felt sad for my 8 years of lousy work. I wish I did more. I wish I knew how to do more. I wish I was more organized and farm was more impressive. 

Nevertheless, I loved his presence. I was super happy inside. Just to see him walk around was a treat. I could also see the latent appreciation and liking in his eyes. I now wait for his next trip which goes beyond few hours and really look forward to offering him an experience of joy that I get when I am here. 

Thank you papa, Thank you God. Thank you nature. :-) 

Life's beautiful

I did not realize that this post is coming after almost 3 years ! Woo....why I didn't write ?  Anyway..

To update about my life, life's beautiful. Each day , I am growing, existennce is showering me with immense blessings that I perhaps don't even deserve.

Children are as usual a blessing and a joy. Married life is going smooth too, though I do sometime wonder why I don't feel for my wife as strongly I felt for my first love ? Well...

Family is good. Things are all going very smooth and lovely.

Farm is growing too. Trees and birds and fireflies have increased.

My relationships are decent. From those which are not, I am extracting lot of wisdom from the discomforts.

Concerned about my children's upbringing a bit. Working with jinan Ji , Rajesh ji and few more friends to understand learning so that I can allow my children to flower...

Ma-Pa are good. Baki sab mast hi hai ! Matlab jo thoda bahut nahi hai...I frankly don't feel like writing it.

Life's beautiful and I am deeply grateful for whatever is happening.....Thank you Thank you ! 

Puck Puck Puck ...Packaak....!!!

Multiple yippies this time buddy...

1. Devagya is here...a new member to our family..making me a father...
2. Today my father retires....a new life beginning for him too...

and ofcourse the puckaag....m down with chicken pox ! :-) 

It's been almost a week that I've been sick and as I avoid taking medicines, resting was my only respite ! So, resting , resting ....and my got thinking thinking...ofcourse sleepless and itchy nights...all made it spiced up...

nevertheless....i am sitting here...

I get everything that I want in  life ! That's been my living experience...i just need to imagine it...desire it and it soon comes my way...all the way from my Euro trip to recent collob with sanchi university...so much so.. that after getting collab with university for this lovely post after so much of hardwork and matha - fodi ...I was just starting to wish...damn...I wish this closes down so I have more time at farm and not have to rush like this...and there you go...project closed ! I wished in my heart...people with pain...disease have deep understanding in life...god gave me chicken pox ! Man ......no...God..I love you ! 

And yet I am a loser ! I still have no idea what I want in life...how to live life...what to do next....! All my principles are loosse...and go for toss soon ! 

I've seen so many paths and have doubts about them all....and yet not walked till the end in any.....at the end I am just a thinking...doubting...asshole ! lacking emotions...understanding ...values......depth !!

Funny Times !

Yeah ! These are funny times...for tough doesn't seem to be the right word for this moment. Something is brewing, something is changing. Infact a lot has changed slowly - just like the frog in heating water - I didn't realize how much I changed in last years ! Some for good, a lot for not so good - I guess....however I know that in future..it'll be all for good in the hindsight !

I was flowing - for I thought flowing with life virtous...now I realize the direction I've flown is not so great ...I must have made efforts to go in directions that mattered to me ! and What mattered to me ? It kept changing ...confusion is the word again but with a totally different meaning.

My inner voice has become feebler ....

Things are good and yet so bad. It's so bad because things appear good !

A deep change is at the horizon....I can sense it ...It is inevitable if I've to survive !

Blank....a deep Blank......May be I find answer in silence ? 

And !

And life brings and !

Frankly, I've been quite bad with finances ever since! No wonder I struggle with it even today. My farm is not paying me enough for all of my expenses and I am in no hurry for it. I know, things will take time, I need to learn farming , understand nature, adapt to it. Nature is taking it's own recourse. In midst of all this , I know I must wait for my farm to pay me.

However, that's not how everyone looks at it. People have given extraordinary importance to money and thus - all my efforts often just turn useless if I say, I am still not able to get all my funds from my farming activities.

Anyway, this money matter has been haunting me for quite sometime now and I've finally decided to deal with it. Initially , I thought that taking money from my parents, my rich friends - should be fine till my farm takes shape. However, social status of "self-sufficiency" in money matter is HUGE !

So, inspite of me and my larger plans - I have to find a way. May be a job ? may be some consultancy ? May be some paid events ? Well, I preferred to zero in on "Learning Android ! " , I like coding and I see future of Mobile programming. IT's one thing  that can be done right from the farm ! So, the hope is to gain expertise in this and then may be get some projects/ideas that can both pay me enough and help solve some real-time problems.

It's funny though - to sit with laptop with Vidhya in your backdrop but that's also an interesting pic ! For it entails both the nature and the technology ! Both the hero and the villain - if we wanna look in B&W. 

Excellence and Faith

Two thoughts are hovering my mind at this moment in midst of all the confusion....one is excellence...I do not have excellence in life. I am average in a dozen things but really good in none ! Perhaps ..really striving for excellence in life is key to satisfaction and maturity. It can be anything...but I must try and excel in it...

On the other hand...i feel excellence can be a roadblock in growth for it will keep you bounded to one knot.

Secondly, in midst of all confusion ...somewhere I feel that I must retort to spiritual path for all solution. Faith is the key...but my scientific mind has got me so cynical and sceptic. It's hard to trust god now !

I wonder if get it  ? 

and the U turn again ?

Recently, I had a spat with my mom - yeah...a very very rare incident. That too only because she touched the most sensitive chord in me - my farm life.

She still cannot understand totally -why should one quit job and take up farming in some remote village ? Why should one leave the comforts of city and live in discomforts and dangers of wild ? Why should one do farming, toil in sun,get dirty in mud - when you can simply work on keyboard and earn lots !?

Perhaps, rightly so ! My decision does defies normal logic and thinking which is why I have more critics than supporters.

But it's been more than 3 years that I've been living at farm and doing whatever little farming I can, still I have to answer the same questions.

So- that day I just lost it and shouted back on mom. It made me cry. It made me so sad - the whole discussion and incident. I don't think I've been so stressed, upset in years.

I know, I can't blame my mom for her stand. It's I - who is doing strange things, how can I blame world for considering me "mad" ? I can't be making her sad, making myself sad.

They are upset about me quitting a good job and doing farming.
That too a farming that's not immediately earn millions !
Live in village that's far remote and full of wilderness.


I must find a solution to the situation.

Is that solution - a U-turn ? meaning..I go back to job or city life ? which will make me one amongst  all - and thus reduce my constant conflict with my family and society at large.

It would mean compromising on some of the principles that I started walking on - but then it does have it's own merits.

What matters most - perhaps, is that "I" and "people around me" are happy and not involved in constant conflict or debates over the same topics for years.

Anyway...I know that's not the only solution -there could be many more ways to handle this situation...so I'll keep working on them but yeah...i am also looking now for some interesting opportunity in finland. ;-)

Tendencies..

I am learning that we all have tendencies - that makes who we are ! And they are damn difficult to change, we can call it intrinsic nature or pre-programmed deep rooted habits !

For instance, my tendency to take casual approach has become clearer to me with time. Any work, I take a very casual approach. To be meticulous or even partly so - is not my thing. It has it's consequences. It calls for me to change at time but i am just too rigid when it comes to these tendencies.

I may change - my weaker nature....habits which aren't too deep...I feel good by changing them...i consider myself flexible and a learner ...but the truth is what really needs to change...doesn't change. I may quit having tea or switch to green tea, I may start becoming more clear in my communication ...but I can do that only because they are not in contradiction to my tendencies.

When it comes to my tendencies, they are so dear to me. I  will argue and if I am good at it, I will prove and convince to others that I am right and my way of doing things is justified. However, deep down..I know it's out of my immediate reach to change it anyway.

I must expand my reach, get really out of my comfort zone..but then you need to have something extraordinarily important at stake for one to change really deeply.

Anyway...my casual approach, my inability to face people, confront them with what I really feel and not be nice-nice pretentious, trying to please everyone, getting bored with things easily, looking for fame driven activities.....are just few of many such tendencies.

What strength would I need to change them ...to even recognise other hidden ones ?

I !

Wherever I go, I take myself with me ! Indeed...

Earlier it was about my job, my salary, my prestige. Later I shifted to my social work, my impact on society and world, my contribution ! and now it's about my farm, my alternative image, my good act to heal the earth and people !

But fundamentally it's always about I and "I" brings in stress , I can feel it !

If I am attached to the idea of I and mine ...I am concerned....I am worried...

I used to enjoy rains...unconditionally but now ...i enjoy it only if it rains in a way it helps my crop and plants ! my heart yearns it should rain or it should stop !

In short...I am commanding god...I am trying to teach nature...coz of my "I" !

what joyous moments are those ...rare though...when I am just without this "I"....

there are 3 "I"s in my blog's name ...no wonder...I am so damn full of I ...

But ...gosh...how would it be just not be with our petty I's but be one with the supreme I ...as mentioned by many.....

Sab hai...par kuch bhi nahi...

I have everything right now...i don't need to worry about finances. I have a happy family. I have a decent reputation in society. I have a future plan. I have self-esteem. I am doing things that are good for me, for my society and nature at large. I have every reason to feel good, content, happy and at peace.

I don''t ! 

If I had a reason or problem, I won't be troubled for I will be busy sorting it out with the hope of arriving at peace once I sort it out. The bigger frustration right now is that I don't really have a problem, everything is good enough ! and yet - my inner peace is not to be found. Infact...I remember my good ol days when I was more at peace...those days...i was rather more confused and full of issues.

I have started living a farm life...which in current times seens as more or less the most responsible life to live. I am growing my own food, growing trees, living sustainably. I am close to my family and except from few minor , ignorable issues -we are very happy. My wife and I go along well.

I have my entire life in front of me...and I feel in position that I have power to create whatever life I wish to create. I know, I can be , I can do whatever I want to in future....It's a rare oppurtunity for anyone - I guess....to be in position that I am in. Be in control of my own destiny...

and Yet - I don't know what should I do...where should I take my destiny...

May be..I should focus more on my spiritual growth...may be I should really make a dent in social domain...may be I should become a famous farmer....perhaps I can open up a cafe or a wellness centre...may be I can start a revolution....and amongst these may be's...i just end up eating, sleeping and doing some of my regular works...

Hmmm....is this a transition period...is this the silence before the storm  ? Is something brewing in me....Is there something that existence is preparing for me ? Or has existence decided that I am of no use ...Time...shall unfold....

Err...confusion ..Grrr...

I think something is wrong with my planets ! I am so damn utterly confused this time...Yeah ..yeah..I know I've been forever confused but...this is unprecendented.

Earlier, I was confused - true - but I also had a clarity once in a while. Also, there were few topics that I was not confused about ! Right now - it's bizzare...!

I am confused about what to eat, what trees to plant, where to go, whether to go or not , sleep or not, read or not , go or not ! Bruuuuaaahhhh !

I really think there is something spooky ! I am just not able to take any decisions...so many decisions are just pending ....and my work, my life , my world has been severly affected.

Man...I must do something about it , no wait...may be I should just wait and watch and let this phase pass. No actually, I must do something...karma is important ! Well...may be let it be...arryy but kuch to karna hi padega..........

...

..

Shayad :-0

Zero !

Today as I sit at the dried lake, looking at the gloomy sky after sunset...i feel gloomy. Perhaps, that's why the sky looked gloomy.

I realize I am zero. I am a failed farmer - my crop production data is like a joke to most. I am a failed son - my parents still wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I am a failed husband - my wife still doesn't understand the point in farming and leaving city and living such a black and white life. I am a failed social activist - with zero social impact whatsoever. I am a failed sadhak - my sadhna is weak with no direction or acceleration. I am a failed man. That's what I realized today, that how I feel today.

I am zero ! Noone accepts zero , no-one wants zero. Everyone wants heroes...I want to become a hero. I want to be known as pioneer organic farming who showed path to many, I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my wife feel lucky about having me as husband, I want to become a sadhak who is enlightened and become a Guru to show path to the world ! I want to change society, course of world.

But the reality of the moment is I am "Zero". It hurts, makes me gloomy, makes me sad.

Somewhere I hear a voice - I can become a hero if I want ! and I want - then why am I not really becoming one? Somewhere I hear a voice - telling me there is nothing wrong in being a zero and something wrong in being a hero. Somewhere I hear a voice to do so many things , somewhere I hear a voice to do nothing - just be.

No wonder - I live in conflict - in a deadlock- in a constant regret of being a failure - in a frustration of not being able to translate my dreams into reality.

I am so many zeroes....waiting for that "1" right at the beginning. 

Torn Apart by Myself

There is a constant stream in me that is growing, I feel. I feel I am growing, my sadhana is deepening. An undercurrent of spiritual wellness is there within me and I am surely receiving guidelines and blessings from up above in mysterious ways.

As usual, I am totally loving this journey and can't feel more grateful.

As I live at Sadhna path and then transition to my parents place in Bhopal, there is constant change of energy levels , of lifestyles, of mental states. It's like I am living two different lives. I feel much more at peace, more calm and spiritual when I am at farm. I feel like indulging in senses, getting lazy and just kill time when I am in Bhopal.

No wonder, a tiny current of frustration comes up every time I am in city. However, I know that I am here only because I want to be here. At times, I want to fool myself by blaming my circumstances, my family for not allowing me to live peacefully back at the farm. But the harsh truth is, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be succumbing to any pressure if I also did not like being here.

I like lazing, not following any rules, waking up late, over-eating, eating junk, watching TV and all the likes. Perhaps, it's my getaway from my disciplined life at farm.

Am I still ready for real intense spiritual work ? Or Is a huge part of me still craves for indulgence into things that I generally speak against of ? Is it a pendulum swing of my "good" life at farm ? Can good really exist without bad  - or bad is needed for balancing ? Is peaceful life a balancing life or a leap out of good and bad ?

This clarity must come soon otherwise I might wasting a good amount of time in growing conflicts of my life. 

Which side to handle first ?

As I sit in audience listening to experts sharing problems of the world, I am tempted to help - to do something to help the world. I wonder if it's my conditioning or a genuine intention to help the world.

But then - if the arrow of awareness is also at the same time pointed inwards, I realize that there is other side too. The one inside me. While I am listening and understanding the issues of the world - the global warming, the educational and farming crisis , the food poison, the corporate and government conspiracy, I am also parallely feeling lot of things. I am wanting to be speaking at the podium, I want people to listen to me and value my point of view.

I am internally criticizing and refuting the stands of all the experts , so that my stand takes an upper hand. I find people and explain them how stupid that guy on the podium is and how smart I am. I am constantly wanting to be highlighted, to be appreciated. I want to be accepted by all and ignored by none.

I also feel that the problem is not really important, for there have been problems ever since we existed. What matters then  ? Do we really need to engage in problem solving or find a way to personal salvation through these issues ? 

The reality of "me"

How self-centred I am ! I realized this only recently. Yes, I had theories about how self-centred human beings generally are. I had read Bhagwat Geeta where there is a whole chapter on issues of "ego" - So, It was not that I was totally unaware of my "ego" and "self-centredness", it was only a lightening and disheartening awakening that came my way recently.

My sister was pregnant and due date was approaching. I am a big supporter of natural birth as against ceasarian. So, I lobbied big time. My sister was also convinced but doctors were insisting on ceaser because of some complexities. While complexities were not all made up, I was still of opinion to let nature take it's course. I continued convincing everyone involved to wait till we can wait and consider ceaser as only the last resort.

Slowly, everyone was on doctor's side and I was only one standing in favor of waiting for nature. So far so good. I thought it was coming from my care for my sister, perhaps it was. But I just didn't realize when it moved from care to "ego zone". Soon, it became a question of prestige, of who's right and who's wrong. When people started laughing at my calling me "ancient" - "gandhi like". They mocked at me using various sobriquets. Slowly, I was fighting a war. I was wishing , if I could prove them wrong and myself right. It was a question of my ego. I was totally shocked when I spotted this strange subtle feeling in me which quietly wished that something went wrong in ceaser - so that everyone later looked upto me and said - "You were right and we were wrong ! , We wished we heard you ! "

I was wishing hell for my sister, for the child to come ! All that simply to prove my point right. This was astonishing realization - shattering all my self-righeous image. No-one else knows it but I know and it hurts.

It's amazing to see how subtly ego works and damages entire flow of life. Is it really possible to be good and do good to others - till one has ego inside ? Is it not simply a question of realizing , of seeing hidden feelings of ego behind the curtains of "help", "love" and "support".

May I be able to forgive myself for it.