Hmm....you know when a blog starts with a sigh - this is not going be a very happy one. Life seems to be suddenly so full of problems and I am absolutely clueless on what to do. Family life with parents and wife seems okay on the surface but the deeper connection is missing - the deeper sharing, the deeper understanding is missing and I don't see it being found in anytime near future. Farming is challenging as usual, I spent last 2 months in seed procuring , solar fencing, planning, mannuring and I just came from a walk in the fields - my crops look damn weak, most of them are gone ! I may need to buy daal and rice again from market. Inspite of having such a big farm , inspite of investing like crazy - I am unable to secure my very basic food. Children are a beautiful ray of hope in this entire canvass. To see them makes me happy, to be with them makes me alive. The worry is - am I giving the right childhood to them ? Am I being a good father ? Do I need to do something more or something less ?
Spiritually, my faith in god has been shaking. Because it has been mainly mental - realizations and experiences have not deepened - the mind thus takes over.
Health is okay but not what I want it to be. Losing some weight , quitting smoking/drinking/junk remains a dream I chase everyday. Finances are being managed with family's support but still that 's also not in a healthy state.
Overall , suddenly life seems dull , a losing battle. And all the places I could run and hide have also burn out. People I can deeply connect and reflect have also reduced. Yes, perhaps if I Shout for help - I may get some hands but then why shout !? I continue to walk slowly ....silently .....
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