The reality of "me"

How self-centred I am ! I realized this only recently. Yes, I had theories about how self-centred human beings generally are. I had read Bhagwat Geeta where there is a whole chapter on issues of "ego" - So, It was not that I was totally unaware of my "ego" and "self-centredness", it was only a lightening and disheartening awakening that came my way recently.

My sister was pregnant and due date was approaching. I am a big supporter of natural birth as against ceasarian. So, I lobbied big time. My sister was also convinced but doctors were insisting on ceaser because of some complexities. While complexities were not all made up, I was still of opinion to let nature take it's course. I continued convincing everyone involved to wait till we can wait and consider ceaser as only the last resort.

Slowly, everyone was on doctor's side and I was only one standing in favor of waiting for nature. So far so good. I thought it was coming from my care for my sister, perhaps it was. But I just didn't realize when it moved from care to "ego zone". Soon, it became a question of prestige, of who's right and who's wrong. When people started laughing at my calling me "ancient" - "gandhi like". They mocked at me using various sobriquets. Slowly, I was fighting a war. I was wishing , if I could prove them wrong and myself right. It was a question of my ego. I was totally shocked when I spotted this strange subtle feeling in me which quietly wished that something went wrong in ceaser - so that everyone later looked upto me and said - "You were right and we were wrong ! , We wished we heard you ! "

I was wishing hell for my sister, for the child to come ! All that simply to prove my point right. This was astonishing realization - shattering all my self-righeous image. No-one else knows it but I know and it hurts.

It's amazing to see how subtly ego works and damages entire flow of life. Is it really possible to be good and do good to others - till one has ego inside ? Is it not simply a question of realizing , of seeing hidden feelings of ego behind the curtains of "help", "love" and "support".

May I be able to forgive myself for it.