I !

Wherever I go, I take myself with me ! Indeed...

Earlier it was about my job, my salary, my prestige. Later I shifted to my social work, my impact on society and world, my contribution ! and now it's about my farm, my alternative image, my good act to heal the earth and people !

But fundamentally it's always about I and "I" brings in stress , I can feel it !

If I am attached to the idea of I and mine ...I am concerned....I am worried...

I used to enjoy rains...unconditionally but now ...i enjoy it only if it rains in a way it helps my crop and plants ! my heart yearns it should rain or it should stop !

In short...I am commanding god...I am trying to teach nature...coz of my "I" !

what joyous moments are those ...rare though...when I am just without this "I"....

there are 3 "I"s in my blog's name ...no wonder...I am so damn full of I ...

But ...gosh...how would it be just not be with our petty I's but be one with the supreme I ...as mentioned by many.....

Sab hai...par kuch bhi nahi...

I have everything right now...i don't need to worry about finances. I have a happy family. I have a decent reputation in society. I have a future plan. I have self-esteem. I am doing things that are good for me, for my society and nature at large. I have every reason to feel good, content, happy and at peace.

I don''t ! 

If I had a reason or problem, I won't be troubled for I will be busy sorting it out with the hope of arriving at peace once I sort it out. The bigger frustration right now is that I don't really have a problem, everything is good enough ! and yet - my inner peace is not to be found. Infact...I remember my good ol days when I was more at peace...those days...i was rather more confused and full of issues.

I have started living a farm life...which in current times seens as more or less the most responsible life to live. I am growing my own food, growing trees, living sustainably. I am close to my family and except from few minor , ignorable issues -we are very happy. My wife and I go along well.

I have my entire life in front of me...and I feel in position that I have power to create whatever life I wish to create. I know, I can be , I can do whatever I want to in future....It's a rare oppurtunity for anyone - I guess....to be in position that I am in. Be in control of my own destiny...

and Yet - I don't know what should I do...where should I take my destiny...

May be..I should focus more on my spiritual growth...may be I should really make a dent in social domain...may be I should become a famous farmer....perhaps I can open up a cafe or a wellness centre...may be I can start a revolution....and amongst these may be's...i just end up eating, sleeping and doing some of my regular works...

Hmmm....is this a transition period...is this the silence before the storm  ? Is something brewing in me....Is there something that existence is preparing for me ? Or has existence decided that I am of no use ...Time...shall unfold....

Err...confusion ..Grrr...

I think something is wrong with my planets ! I am so damn utterly confused this time...Yeah ..yeah..I know I've been forever confused but...this is unprecendented.

Earlier, I was confused - true - but I also had a clarity once in a while. Also, there were few topics that I was not confused about ! Right now - it's bizzare...!

I am confused about what to eat, what trees to plant, where to go, whether to go or not , sleep or not, read or not , go or not ! Bruuuuaaahhhh !

I really think there is something spooky ! I am just not able to take any decisions...so many decisions are just pending ....and my work, my life , my world has been severly affected.

Man...I must do something about it , no wait...may be I should just wait and watch and let this phase pass. No actually, I must do something...karma is important ! Well...may be let it be...arryy but kuch to karna hi padega..........

...

..

Shayad :-0

Zero !

Today as I sit at the dried lake, looking at the gloomy sky after sunset...i feel gloomy. Perhaps, that's why the sky looked gloomy.

I realize I am zero. I am a failed farmer - my crop production data is like a joke to most. I am a failed son - my parents still wonder what the hell I am doing with my life. I am a failed husband - my wife still doesn't understand the point in farming and leaving city and living such a black and white life. I am a failed social activist - with zero social impact whatsoever. I am a failed sadhak - my sadhna is weak with no direction or acceleration. I am a failed man. That's what I realized today, that how I feel today.

I am zero ! Noone accepts zero , no-one wants zero. Everyone wants heroes...I want to become a hero. I want to be known as pioneer organic farming who showed path to many, I want to make my parents proud, I want to make my wife feel lucky about having me as husband, I want to become a sadhak who is enlightened and become a Guru to show path to the world ! I want to change society, course of world.

But the reality of the moment is I am "Zero". It hurts, makes me gloomy, makes me sad.

Somewhere I hear a voice - I can become a hero if I want ! and I want - then why am I not really becoming one? Somewhere I hear a voice - telling me there is nothing wrong in being a zero and something wrong in being a hero. Somewhere I hear a voice to do so many things , somewhere I hear a voice to do nothing - just be.

No wonder - I live in conflict - in a deadlock- in a constant regret of being a failure - in a frustration of not being able to translate my dreams into reality.

I am so many zeroes....waiting for that "1" right at the beginning. 

Torn Apart by Myself

There is a constant stream in me that is growing, I feel. I feel I am growing, my sadhana is deepening. An undercurrent of spiritual wellness is there within me and I am surely receiving guidelines and blessings from up above in mysterious ways.

As usual, I am totally loving this journey and can't feel more grateful.

As I live at Sadhna path and then transition to my parents place in Bhopal, there is constant change of energy levels , of lifestyles, of mental states. It's like I am living two different lives. I feel much more at peace, more calm and spiritual when I am at farm. I feel like indulging in senses, getting lazy and just kill time when I am in Bhopal.

No wonder, a tiny current of frustration comes up every time I am in city. However, I know that I am here only because I want to be here. At times, I want to fool myself by blaming my circumstances, my family for not allowing me to live peacefully back at the farm. But the harsh truth is, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be succumbing to any pressure if I also did not like being here.

I like lazing, not following any rules, waking up late, over-eating, eating junk, watching TV and all the likes. Perhaps, it's my getaway from my disciplined life at farm.

Am I still ready for real intense spiritual work ? Or Is a huge part of me still craves for indulgence into things that I generally speak against of ? Is it a pendulum swing of my "good" life at farm ? Can good really exist without bad  - or bad is needed for balancing ? Is peaceful life a balancing life or a leap out of good and bad ?

This clarity must come soon otherwise I might wasting a good amount of time in growing conflicts of my life. 

Which side to handle first ?

As I sit in audience listening to experts sharing problems of the world, I am tempted to help - to do something to help the world. I wonder if it's my conditioning or a genuine intention to help the world.

But then - if the arrow of awareness is also at the same time pointed inwards, I realize that there is other side too. The one inside me. While I am listening and understanding the issues of the world - the global warming, the educational and farming crisis , the food poison, the corporate and government conspiracy, I am also parallely feeling lot of things. I am wanting to be speaking at the podium, I want people to listen to me and value my point of view.

I am internally criticizing and refuting the stands of all the experts , so that my stand takes an upper hand. I find people and explain them how stupid that guy on the podium is and how smart I am. I am constantly wanting to be highlighted, to be appreciated. I want to be accepted by all and ignored by none.

I also feel that the problem is not really important, for there have been problems ever since we existed. What matters then  ? Do we really need to engage in problem solving or find a way to personal salvation through these issues ? 

The reality of "me"

How self-centred I am ! I realized this only recently. Yes, I had theories about how self-centred human beings generally are. I had read Bhagwat Geeta where there is a whole chapter on issues of "ego" - So, It was not that I was totally unaware of my "ego" and "self-centredness", it was only a lightening and disheartening awakening that came my way recently.

My sister was pregnant and due date was approaching. I am a big supporter of natural birth as against ceasarian. So, I lobbied big time. My sister was also convinced but doctors were insisting on ceaser because of some complexities. While complexities were not all made up, I was still of opinion to let nature take it's course. I continued convincing everyone involved to wait till we can wait and consider ceaser as only the last resort.

Slowly, everyone was on doctor's side and I was only one standing in favor of waiting for nature. So far so good. I thought it was coming from my care for my sister, perhaps it was. But I just didn't realize when it moved from care to "ego zone". Soon, it became a question of prestige, of who's right and who's wrong. When people started laughing at my calling me "ancient" - "gandhi like". They mocked at me using various sobriquets. Slowly, I was fighting a war. I was wishing , if I could prove them wrong and myself right. It was a question of my ego. I was totally shocked when I spotted this strange subtle feeling in me which quietly wished that something went wrong in ceaser - so that everyone later looked upto me and said - "You were right and we were wrong ! , We wished we heard you ! "

I was wishing hell for my sister, for the child to come ! All that simply to prove my point right. This was astonishing realization - shattering all my self-righeous image. No-one else knows it but I know and it hurts.

It's amazing to see how subtly ego works and damages entire flow of life. Is it really possible to be good and do good to others - till one has ego inside ? Is it not simply a question of realizing , of seeing hidden feelings of ego behind the curtains of "help", "love" and "support".

May I be able to forgive myself for it.