Hasn't been long that you saw me broken, sad , tense ? Oh yes, pretty long. I don't even remember when was I so dejected last time. Perhaps, my sudden unexpected break up in a relationship in 2010 !? Relationships (love and family both) have got my eyes wet every now and then but if I remove this category - it must be more than a decade that I've felt so low.
The truth of the moment is - I am quite lost and low right now. This phase of life seems to be colored gloomy. Why ? It all began when I saw my crops failing in front of my eyes. I am sure there is more to it but this was a sure trigger.
This year, all the crops are either under heavy attack of pests or have not grown well due to my mistakes and unfavourable weather. My farm has become a laughing stock for all. People come and see tuar dal with not even one good pod and laugh it out. My sowing failed due to my lack of understanding on how to sow. Then, I wanted to save water and did not irrigate the fields to flooding -this further led to non-spouting and drying of seedlings leading to empty patches in the fields. Add to it high temperature of December and no-rains - I could have only saved myself if I had been a guru of farming.
I am not so sad just because my crops are failing and I don't have a penny in my pocket. I am sad because it's now raising a question mark on my face - whether I can really do farming ? If yes - how ? If no, then what now ?
Then there are people who have all kinds of suggestions and advices for me. It is reducing my confidence and shaking my foundation.
Add to it, my weaker Sadhna and grounding in Dharma right now - I have no poles to catch on to - no boats to hop into - in midst of this whirlpool.
Did I make a mistake ? How am I going to sustain myself ? How am I going to pay for negative message that I am sending by doing failed organic farming ?
As I am, I like to bounce back instead of giving into hopelessness but the work here is overwhelming. I need to get old tractor repair, take care of diesel pump, get house ready, do sowing, carry out irrigation on large scale, take care of trees I planted, make sure cows are healthy and happy, cook, clean, plan, take care of family here and in Bhopal, carry out regular responsibilities, study, learn, do justice to many other initiatives that I've taken....Boy - list is endless and I've only two hands and no solid support here.
This phase has exposed me to my weaknesses. I can't say what I feel. I can't manage things well. I am a bad planner and executer. I am not far sighted. I can't manage people well. I allow myself to be exploited and fall into self-pity. I am confused, pretending to be clear. I've two faces. I enjoy my phony outward image. I am not a sincere seeker of truth. I am lazy and enjoy the lifestyle of ignorance and denial.
These are difficult times, I know. This time will make up that chapter of my autobiography which tells the failure before the successes. I know that each story , each individual, each initiative faces this phase. And in long run - it'll all be for a very good cause.
But the bottomline of this moment is - I am sad, dejected, frustrated, confused , lost , low ....aggghhhh! dunno what all....can I run away ? Pleaseeeeee....
The truth of the moment is - I am quite lost and low right now. This phase of life seems to be colored gloomy. Why ? It all began when I saw my crops failing in front of my eyes. I am sure there is more to it but this was a sure trigger.
This year, all the crops are either under heavy attack of pests or have not grown well due to my mistakes and unfavourable weather. My farm has become a laughing stock for all. People come and see tuar dal with not even one good pod and laugh it out. My sowing failed due to my lack of understanding on how to sow. Then, I wanted to save water and did not irrigate the fields to flooding -this further led to non-spouting and drying of seedlings leading to empty patches in the fields. Add to it high temperature of December and no-rains - I could have only saved myself if I had been a guru of farming.I am not so sad just because my crops are failing and I don't have a penny in my pocket. I am sad because it's now raising a question mark on my face - whether I can really do farming ? If yes - how ? If no, then what now ?
Then there are people who have all kinds of suggestions and advices for me. It is reducing my confidence and shaking my foundation.
Add to it, my weaker Sadhna and grounding in Dharma right now - I have no poles to catch on to - no boats to hop into - in midst of this whirlpool.
Did I make a mistake ? How am I going to sustain myself ? How am I going to pay for negative message that I am sending by doing failed organic farming ?
As I am, I like to bounce back instead of giving into hopelessness but the work here is overwhelming. I need to get old tractor repair, take care of diesel pump, get house ready, do sowing, carry out irrigation on large scale, take care of trees I planted, make sure cows are healthy and happy, cook, clean, plan, take care of family here and in Bhopal, carry out regular responsibilities, study, learn, do justice to many other initiatives that I've taken....Boy - list is endless and I've only two hands and no solid support here.
This phase has exposed me to my weaknesses. I can't say what I feel. I can't manage things well. I am a bad planner and executer. I am not far sighted. I can't manage people well. I allow myself to be exploited and fall into self-pity. I am confused, pretending to be clear. I've two faces. I enjoy my phony outward image. I am not a sincere seeker of truth. I am lazy and enjoy the lifestyle of ignorance and denial.
These are difficult times, I know. This time will make up that chapter of my autobiography which tells the failure before the successes. I know that each story , each individual, each initiative faces this phase. And in long run - it'll all be for a very good cause.
But the bottomline of this moment is - I am sad, dejected, frustrated, confused , lost , low ....aggghhhh! dunno what all....can I run away ? Pleaseeeeee....
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