Successphobia and What am I ?

 The thorn in the heart of the questions is slowly starting to pinch harder, deeper. The pain is slowly accentuating and the confusion broadening. I wonder what I am, who I am, What am I supposed to do in this world (where I don’t know why I am here in the first place ! ) , do I have a role to fulfil or am I a tiny ignorable creature of hardly any importance ? All this and more. It seems the law of reproduction applies to questions too, I was with few questions and as I am living with them more, each day I wake up with more and more questions and hardly any answers ! An answer if ever found only leads to hundred new questions for sure.

Few thoughts, first I think I have successphobia, for I look back into my life – I’ve quit my job/work just at the moment when I started becoming successful in that field, just when I can smell success, just when I can see the heydays coming my way, I prefer to walk in other direction. It has been so with all my jobs. I quit just when things were starting to look easy and controllable. Perhaps, I hate control and love the randomness and chaos. Undoubtedly, if only I’d have stayed in anything I was doing – be it my first job as engineer or second as manager in non-profit or the last one as an alternative school teacher – I must have gained lot of financial and professional stability. Here I am, with no money in hand, experience good for nothing and standing right where I began.

But tell you what, I don’t regret it. I think my heart is taking me to right directions, and that it’s ways are unconventional only makes my faith stronger. I am asking myself these questions and I realize that I don’t want to arrive in first place, I don’t want lot of money either. All I hanker at this stage of my life is – a easy life where there is music, dance, celebration and a lot of spiritual growth. A lifestyle where each day I am approaching my answer. Where each day I am learning to live more really, naturally and intensely. However in the very seeking of this simplicity, my life stands in centre of instability and chaos.

The situation is rather queer. I know lot of skills but I just don’t know what to do with them and I know none of them to mastery. I can play decent guitar, make some silly movies, speak publicly with authority, teach with effectiveness, plan and ideate with spontaneity, help seek solutions to issues, make good teams and be good team member, lead when necessary, think critically sufficiently, write sensibly so on. However I am master of none and there is no skill that is top favourite of mine. I enjoy each one at a different time or mood. Hence, the question accentuates – what am I ? Should i take my guitar skills to next level or should i explore my writing skills ? Should I continue teaching or should I work in team ?

Can I not be an expert and still earn a livelihood and contribute positively to society ? I see very few such examples and this sometimes both motivates and demotivates me.

Nevertheless, I do feel little lost and all over the place but certainly this doesn’t mean I am lost. Here is a perfect song to accompany this blog. J