Directionless, aimless, clueless ! Perfect beginning of this blog to share my state of mind. When I quit my last job, I think i had a clear plan and vision of my future and partly that of world. 3 weeks, and it all changed. Toppled upside down. I changed so many plans, I shifted so many stands, I made so many decisions and then changed them - and those I stood by - I regretted taking them.
Everything looks good and bad, right and wrong and thus the buzzword of my life remains unchanged - "Confusion".
Why is this happening ? Coincidentally, I started reading Gudjieff and Ouspensky around the same time and learnt about "multiplicty of "I" " in human mind. I am a living example.
There are so many "I"s in me, one decides other refutes. No wonder I am confused.
Secondly, I do not have any clarity of my own. For e.g. yes changing the world is noble idea says one side, while the other asks - "Really ? aint you being stupid, egoistic and unrealistic ? ".
one side almost decided to open a school in rural area and do farming , other side says " really ? what about travel, you wanna lock yourself down ? and anyway - what use is this school anyway ? "
Conflicts prevail and confusion spreads. People around me are anxious, my parents, relatives and lot of friends. At 30, they expect me to know what I want , what I want to do , what plans do I hold etc..
And I wanna shout back, "I dont know ! " . I really have no idea on what to do ? What I want to do ! I have no idea , who and what I am and why am I here ! But I cant say that ! for that'd immediately label me as failure, lost ! and make things even more difficult for people and myself !
Nevertheless, I am happy inside ! I think its ok to be clueless , directionless and age and experience really doesnt matter ! MAy be I am late ! May be I never arrive ! It's ok ! Deep down, I know I am searching for a deeper meaning, something really worth my life ! It might come, it might not. But truly, I would not regret dying this way too - searching, finding, learning, confused !
Everything looks good and bad, right and wrong and thus the buzzword of my life remains unchanged - "Confusion".
Why is this happening ? Coincidentally, I started reading Gudjieff and Ouspensky around the same time and learnt about "multiplicty of "I" " in human mind. I am a living example.
There are so many "I"s in me, one decides other refutes. No wonder I am confused.
Secondly, I do not have any clarity of my own. For e.g. yes changing the world is noble idea says one side, while the other asks - "Really ? aint you being stupid, egoistic and unrealistic ? ".
one side almost decided to open a school in rural area and do farming , other side says " really ? what about travel, you wanna lock yourself down ? and anyway - what use is this school anyway ? "
Conflicts prevail and confusion spreads. People around me are anxious, my parents, relatives and lot of friends. At 30, they expect me to know what I want , what I want to do , what plans do I hold etc..
And I wanna shout back, "I dont know ! " . I really have no idea on what to do ? What I want to do ! I have no idea , who and what I am and why am I here ! But I cant say that ! for that'd immediately label me as failure, lost ! and make things even more difficult for people and myself !
Nevertheless, I am happy inside ! I think its ok to be clueless , directionless and age and experience really doesnt matter ! MAy be I am late ! May be I never arrive ! It's ok ! Deep down, I know I am searching for a deeper meaning, something really worth my life ! It might come, it might not. But truly, I would not regret dying this way too - searching, finding, learning, confused !
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