The Dip Phase

 

Hmm....you know when a blog starts with a sigh - this is not going be a very happy one. Life seems to be suddenly so full of problems and I am absolutely clueless on what to do. Family life with parents and wife seems okay on the surface but the deeper connection is missing - the deeper sharing, the deeper understanding is missing and I don't see it being found in anytime near future. Farming is challenging as usual, I spent last 2 months in seed procuring , solar fencing, planning, mannuring and I just came from a walk in the fields - my crops look damn weak, most of them are gone ! I may need to buy daal and rice again from market. Inspite of having such a big farm , inspite of investing like crazy - I am unable to secure my very basic food. Children are a beautiful ray of hope in this entire canvass. To see them makes me happy, to be with them makes me alive. The worry is - am  I giving the right childhood to them ? Am I being a good father ? Do I need to do something more or something less ? 

Spiritually, my faith in god has been shaking. Because it has been mainly mental - realizations and experiences have not deepened - the mind thus takes over. 

Health is okay but not what I want it to be. Losing some weight , quitting smoking/drinking/junk remains a dream I chase everyday. Finances are being managed with family's support but still that 's also not in a healthy state. 

Overall , suddenly life seems dull , a losing battle. And all the places I could run and hide have also burn out. People I can deeply connect and reflect have also reduced. Yes, perhaps if I Shout for help - I may get some hands but then why shout !? I continue to walk slowly ....silently .....

My father and the farm

Happy to be alive in midst of the second covid wave. World has changed so much in last 12-15 months due to pandemic, however I am not gonna talk about it as already too much has been talked about pandemic and corona. 

What I wish to share is a milestone, a special moment of my life. In my 8 years of stay at farm so far, while my mother did visit us 8-10 times , my father did not. Not even once. While I understand his disinterest in this farm and dislike of people of this region, somewhere I did use to feel bad about it. 

Few days back, my grandmother (nani) passed away , perhaps due to covid and my mother and father decided to come to attend the funeral. Post funeral we need to take bath and the bath was planned at the farm and thus his visit was confirmed to farm for the first time in 8 years for me, 20 years for him. 

I wished I clicked more picture but these are the only two I have. the short trip was full of events and emotions. He did not like the approach road as my car could barely cross it, he did not like the houses as it him on his head, he could just appreciate only one mango tree, the pumps did not work for bathing. Overall he did not seem very impressed. Frankly, there is nothing much I have done to impress him anyway. I felt sad for my 8 years of lousy work. I wish I did more. I wish I knew how to do more. I wish I was more organized and farm was more impressive. 

Nevertheless, I loved his presence. I was super happy inside. Just to see him walk around was a treat. I could also see the latent appreciation and liking in his eyes. I now wait for his next trip which goes beyond few hours and really look forward to offering him an experience of joy that I get when I am here. 

Thank you papa, Thank you God. Thank you nature. :-) 

Life's beautiful

I did not realize that this post is coming after almost 3 years ! Woo....why I didn't write ?  Anyway..

To update about my life, life's beautiful. Each day , I am growing, existennce is showering me with immense blessings that I perhaps don't even deserve.

Children are as usual a blessing and a joy. Married life is going smooth too, though I do sometime wonder why I don't feel for my wife as strongly I felt for my first love ? Well...

Family is good. Things are all going very smooth and lovely.

Farm is growing too. Trees and birds and fireflies have increased.

My relationships are decent. From those which are not, I am extracting lot of wisdom from the discomforts.

Concerned about my children's upbringing a bit. Working with jinan Ji , Rajesh ji and few more friends to understand learning so that I can allow my children to flower...

Ma-Pa are good. Baki sab mast hi hai ! Matlab jo thoda bahut nahi hai...I frankly don't feel like writing it.

Life's beautiful and I am deeply grateful for whatever is happening.....Thank you Thank you ! 

Puck Puck Puck ...Packaak....!!!

Multiple yippies this time buddy...

1. Devagya is here...a new member to our family..making me a father...
2. Today my father retires....a new life beginning for him too...

and ofcourse the puckaag....m down with chicken pox ! :-) 

It's been almost a week that I've been sick and as I avoid taking medicines, resting was my only respite ! So, resting , resting ....and my got thinking thinking...ofcourse sleepless and itchy nights...all made it spiced up...

nevertheless....i am sitting here...

I get everything that I want in  life ! That's been my living experience...i just need to imagine it...desire it and it soon comes my way...all the way from my Euro trip to recent collob with sanchi university...so much so.. that after getting collab with university for this lovely post after so much of hardwork and matha - fodi ...I was just starting to wish...damn...I wish this closes down so I have more time at farm and not have to rush like this...and there you go...project closed ! I wished in my heart...people with pain...disease have deep understanding in life...god gave me chicken pox ! Man ......no...God..I love you ! 

And yet I am a loser ! I still have no idea what I want in life...how to live life...what to do next....! All my principles are loosse...and go for toss soon ! 

I've seen so many paths and have doubts about them all....and yet not walked till the end in any.....at the end I am just a thinking...doubting...asshole ! lacking emotions...understanding ...values......depth !!

Funny Times !

Yeah ! These are funny times...for tough doesn't seem to be the right word for this moment. Something is brewing, something is changing. Infact a lot has changed slowly - just like the frog in heating water - I didn't realize how much I changed in last years ! Some for good, a lot for not so good - I guess....however I know that in future..it'll be all for good in the hindsight !

I was flowing - for I thought flowing with life virtous...now I realize the direction I've flown is not so great ...I must have made efforts to go in directions that mattered to me ! and What mattered to me ? It kept changing ...confusion is the word again but with a totally different meaning.

My inner voice has become feebler ....

Things are good and yet so bad. It's so bad because things appear good !

A deep change is at the horizon....I can sense it ...It is inevitable if I've to survive !

Blank....a deep Blank......May be I find answer in silence ? 

And !

And life brings and !

Frankly, I've been quite bad with finances ever since! No wonder I struggle with it even today. My farm is not paying me enough for all of my expenses and I am in no hurry for it. I know, things will take time, I need to learn farming , understand nature, adapt to it. Nature is taking it's own recourse. In midst of all this , I know I must wait for my farm to pay me.

However, that's not how everyone looks at it. People have given extraordinary importance to money and thus - all my efforts often just turn useless if I say, I am still not able to get all my funds from my farming activities.

Anyway, this money matter has been haunting me for quite sometime now and I've finally decided to deal with it. Initially , I thought that taking money from my parents, my rich friends - should be fine till my farm takes shape. However, social status of "self-sufficiency" in money matter is HUGE !

So, inspite of me and my larger plans - I have to find a way. May be a job ? may be some consultancy ? May be some paid events ? Well, I preferred to zero in on "Learning Android ! " , I like coding and I see future of Mobile programming. IT's one thing  that can be done right from the farm ! So, the hope is to gain expertise in this and then may be get some projects/ideas that can both pay me enough and help solve some real-time problems.

It's funny though - to sit with laptop with Vidhya in your backdrop but that's also an interesting pic ! For it entails both the nature and the technology ! Both the hero and the villain - if we wanna look in B&W. 

Excellence and Faith

Two thoughts are hovering my mind at this moment in midst of all the confusion....one is excellence...I do not have excellence in life. I am average in a dozen things but really good in none ! Perhaps ..really striving for excellence in life is key to satisfaction and maturity. It can be anything...but I must try and excel in it...

On the other hand...i feel excellence can be a roadblock in growth for it will keep you bounded to one knot.

Secondly, in midst of all confusion ...somewhere I feel that I must retort to spiritual path for all solution. Faith is the key...but my scientific mind has got me so cynical and sceptic. It's hard to trust god now !

I wonder if get it  ?