Here I am, no excuses to survive. I've got a very silent place, not too demanding job, lot of free time, very healthy and comfortable life style and I am still looking for sometime in future.
I am slowly realizing that my search for truth is a search
for recognition in disguise and this feeling is quite painful and difficult to accept. How subtle can be the ways of self ? All this while I was thinking that I am true spiritual seeker , unconcerned with worldly and materialistic pleasure. Here I am where I see enlightenment as a beautiful message for my facebook status to show off ! Heights ? No, there is lot more to it. I want to meditate to be different , thankfully not many people meditate. My decisions in life have been shaped largely by this feeling of "being different".I've been entirely confused about my true calling and my calling for being different. Did I do social work because almost all my friends wanted to do corporate job ? Did I do all these meditations just because none of my friend does it so much - hence making me special and different. What's more ? My trick seem to be working.
Today, I am established as a different person. Many people call me rebel, eccentric and all those lovely adjectives. Fuh, some accomplishment after all these years of drama.
Here I am now, as confused as I was , as unintelligent as I was - Just got better in pretending. I actually wish someone could read this blog someday and appreciate my honesty of expressing myself. Hahaha...! That's the extent I wish to be recognized and known.
All this while ,I feel I've been a pseudo self. I still am a pseudo personality. I guess I know the way out but it's just that I really, deeply don't want to come out of it. Superficially, yes I am still gonna try to be more authentic.
2 comments:
Stopped by after a long time nice to read the previous post that your discovering your real self :)
after a month you post the Psuedo Self
Shashi whatever little I've known you respect recognition appreciation have been paramount to you...
Its our ego that needs to be fed for me it would be attention / love/ security for you it would be respect , the ego is insatiable
So how about accepting that you are doing things that are different cause you are different !
you do not accept things as they appear its in your innate nature to use your own rationality and sensibility !
Even if your search to an alternate consciousness makes you a cool psuedo so be it that journey is definitely worth it!
Wondering though why do you keep searching for answers why you constantly looking for cues ?
Your answers will find you, there will be a point when you will know exactly what you want and what you are .
So until then enjoy the process :)
smell the flowers, feel the wind and come alive :)
As Zen puts is beautifully
Just be.. just coexist life will happen to you !
Peace and love
from the psuedoness-in-me to the the pseudoness-in-you !
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